Charleston Reception Punch–With and Without Spirits

Max, I can just see Paris Hilton with a bunch of bottles making up your Champagne Punch. Pop a cork here, pour a bottle there, and certainly sampling for quality control as she goes.

Here is the punch we used for Rachel’s wedding reception. How odd. It was also from an old Charleston, South Carolina cookbook. We made one bowl “With Spirits” and another “Without Spirits” to use the old fashioned terms that ladies once used for booze. Frankly, my dear, there is not much difference in taste. Of course, we added a bit of food coloring to match the bridesmaid’s dresses.

Charleston, South Carolina Reception Punch–With and Without Spirits For 100 Servings:

1 quart of frozen orange juice
3 quarts ice water
1 (6 ounce) can frozen lemon juice, or juice of 18 lemons
2 (No. 5) cans pineapple juice
4 quarts ginger ale
2 cups sugar, dissolved in 2 cups of water

Mix the orange juice, ice water, lemon juice, and pineapple juice. Taste and add the sugar water if you want a sweeter punch.

When ready to serve pour half of the mixture over a lump if ice in a large punch bowl and then pour over 2 quarts of the ginger ale. Replenish as necessary.

If, to use an old Charleston phrase, you wish a punch “with spirits”, omit the sugar and substitute alcoholic beverages for the pineapple juice, about 4 quarts worth.

Makes 100 servings.

Now in old Charleston this would have made 100 servings, but with our friend Paris, someway I think you would have to cut that down considerably. She doesn’t strike me as the type to pour tiny cups of punch

Rule for Champagne Punch for a Wedding

Erma, you and your Ham Biscuits! You think that Ham Biscuits are food for every occasion. You would probably say, “They are perfect for an Irish Wake. Nothing goes so well with Irish Whiskey as a good old southern Ham Biscuit.”

I suppose you heard the latest on Paris Hilton. The spoiled one is out of jail and is now on probation until 2009 or some such date; however, she can take a year off her probation by doing 40 hours of community service, such as making a public service announcement. So, now we are to be subjected to Paris saying, “Please don’t litter. It messes up the highways.” Or better yet, “Let’s do all we can to save the environment. Recycle.” Someway I don’t see her as a dedicated recycler. “I always separate my beer cans from my rum bottles before I set them out in my pink recycling container.”

Great punishment. She does a 20 second commercial (which gets her name and face out in the public even more), and a year is cut off her probation. Is there something wrong with the justice system, or what?

I was going to send you an old formula for a standard Wedding Reception Punch, but perhaps we should sent it on to Paris and she can whip this up as a Get Out of Jail Celebration Punch.

Rule for Champagne Punch for a Wedding. Plan on 3 servings of punch per guest, 3 ounces to a punch cup.

1 bottle champagne
1 ounce cognac
1/2 ounce curacao

Mix the cognac and curacao several hours before serving. Mark a measuring cup so the server knows how much of the cognac/curacao to pour in for each bottle of champagne. Chill the bottles of champagne. (You can substitute one bottle of a good dry white wine, for every third bottle of champagne).

Chill the punch bowl and place a block of ice in the bottom. Add the cognac/curacao mix and champagne to fill the bowl. Replenish as needed. Stir and serve at once, but do not ladle back and forth over the ice as this eliminates the bubbles.

This is a really old recipe from a Charleston, South Carolina Depression Era cookbook that you sent me years ago as a present. Recipes then were not as detailed as today. There is actually a lot of math involved, but the results are worth it.

Can’t you see Paris and friends trying to figure this one out? “3 servings per guest (we probably ought to double that) times 3 ounces a cup equals 9, or 18 so some such number of ounces. Wonder how many ounces are in a bottle of champagne? Oh, forget the recipe. Take a bottle of cognac and half a bottle of curacao, and pour over as much champagne as the punch bowl will hold.

Long Live Ham Biscuits!

Max, we all have Senior Moments, Minutes, Hours, and sometimes Days. Unfortunately, they seem to be happening more and more often. Of course, you sent me the Parmesan Salad Dressing recipe.

Ah, yes, the Finger Sandwich. Staple at every tea and wedding reception of our youth.

You are right. I checked some of my cookbooks. The mandatory first chapter on teas and receptions did disappear in the ’70’s. When the Hippies became fashionable, ladies’ teas went out the window. Along with culture, refinement, and a few other things.

Just had an idea for a wildly popular Reality Show. We collect the Rosie O’Donnell’s, the Paris Hiltons and friends, and a collection of red neck trailer trash, and we try and turn them into proper ladies. Can’t you see an Emily Post type trying to teach them to make and serve Finger Sandwiches? Martha Stewart would make a good hostess for this show. I’ll bet she could whip even Paris Hilton into Miss Manners. Rosie O’Donnell? Maybe. There isn’t much there to work with. Could be great fun.

Of course any tea or reception of that era was not complete, at least here in the South, without Ham Biscuits. By the way, there still appear on many buffet tables. They were one of the finger foods that we had at Rachel’s Reception.

Ham Biscuits:

Make or buy small Parker House Rolls in the number you need. Purchase thinly sliced deli ham if you don’t want to mess with cooking and slicing a full ham. Split the rolls, and cut the ham so that there are several layers on ham on each biscuit. Some cooks spread on a little mayonnaise or spicy mustard, but traditionally these were nothing but ham and roll. They were usually served cold, or room temperature.

Originally, I am sure, Baking Powder Biscuits were used instead of rolls. When serving a crowd, the purchased rolls were simply easier. If made with real biscuits, the Ham Biscuits can be reheated in the microwave just before serving

Finger Sandwiches for a Wedding Reception

Erma dear, Senior Moment. Guess who sent you that Parmesan Salad Dressing? Just a few weeks ago? You’re right, it is a great dressing, but I did send it to you.

Probably you sent me this Egg Salad For Finger Sandwiches some time or other as I am not the type that generally serves such stuff. You, on the other hand, still think in terms of having tea and dainty Finger Sandwiches.

I checked a few of my cookbooks recently and realized that it is only the older ones from before the 1970’s (I know, to you and me, at least, 1970 is not THAT old) that include sections on fixing non-messy finger foods. We must have been the last group that were instructed in the art of constructing tea foods. Remember how we thought we were so elegant when we spread cream cheese and black olives on white bread? Or, (ugh) the ground up cucumber and cottage cheese on whole wheat? Then we ate that stuff while wearing white gloves?

I actually have made this, but as a dip. In that case I do not chop everything as fine as in the original recipe. This is really a very healthy dip, and strangely enough not many people seem to make egg salad any more. Guess we are showing our age again.

These would be nice for a Reception without a full meal. Finger Sandwiches are not supposed to be messy so people can eat them without worrying about silverware or drips. I think these would go nicely with your idea of fruits and cheeses.

Speaking of weddings, I must find the Wedding Cake recipe that we used for Mike and Barb’s wedding. Annie Baxter actually made the cake, but I found the recipe somewhere, and if I do say so myself, it was one of the tastiest wedding cakes I have ever eaten.

Egg Salad for Finger Sandwiches:

3 dozen hard-boiled eggs
6 ribs of celery
3 carrots
2 small green peppers
2 small red peppers
1 regular can ripe black olives
3 cups of mayonnaise
3/4 cup of milk (start with 1/3 cup)
1 tablespoon ground mustard
salt to taste
Bread slices, a mix of white and dark slices, about 12 loaves

With food processor, finely chop the eggs, celery, carrots, peppers and olives. If using as a dip, you will want to keep the ingredients a little larger than if making Finger Sandwiches. For Finger Sandwiches, you want the filling to almost be smooth. Blend in the remainder of the ingredients with only 1/3 cup of milk. Add additional milk if needed to obtain a good spreading consistency and chill until ready to make the Finger Sandwiches. Well chilled egg salad spreads better.

To make Finger Sandwiches, select several cookie cutters with appropriate shapes. Cut out the bread. Make some sandwiches with top and bottom all white, some all whole wheat, some all rye, and some that are mixed with two different colors of bread.

You can assemble the Finger Sandwiches several hours in advance of serving them. Simply lay a kitchen towel on a tray and lay the sandwiches on it. Cover with another kitchen towel and chill in the fridge.

How many Finger Sandwiches does this make? Depends on the size of your cutters. If you were making a regular sized sandwich, you would get about 50 sandwiches. You easily will have 75 to 100 Finger Sandwiches.

If you don’t want to bother with the cookie cutters, trim the crusts off the bread and cut into 4 triangles or 4 long fingers.

Now you have a lot of leftover crusts and bread. Don’t throw it out. Spread the bread pieces on a cookie sheet and dry in the oven at 200 degrees. When bread is completely dry, turn it into dry bread crumbs with your food processor. This is much cheaper than the boxed variety in the store, and you can add any herbs you like. I keep a large canister with a tight cover, above the kitchen stove. The crumbs are ready to use as breading or crumb toppings whenever I need them. This is where the heels of bread go, and stale crackers and unsweetened cereals.

Check the price of those small boxes of breadcrumbs or breading mixes, then read the labels for all the preservatives. For nothing, you can have fresh crumbs. You can’t beat that price.

Rosie O’Donnell for Bob Barker?

Rosie O’Donnell replacing Bob Barker? Give me a break, Max. Paris Hilton would be better. At least Paris could stand up on stage in her almost undress and look attractive. You are right, that would be the end of the program. On what planet do some of these TV producers live? The country has 300 million people, and Rosie O’Donnell is all they can come up with to replace Bob Barker? Hollywood alone must have thousands of personalities who could make good hosts. Sure, it is going to be hard to replace him, but not with that. What contestant is going to jump up and down and give HER a big hug and kiss?

Since we’re talking salads for a mob, I’ll send you my latest large-scale salad dressing. Everyone needs a recipe that makes 3 gallons.

Parmesan Salad Dressing for a Crowd:

5 quarts buttermilk
4 quarts mayonnaise
64 ounces of sour cream
3 pounds grated Parmesan cheese
1 cup Worcestershire sauce
1 cup chives, or green onions
1/2 cup of parsley
3 tablespoons ground mustard
3 tablespoons garlic
1 tablespoon salt
1 tablespoon pepper

Grate the garlic cloves with a garlic mincer. With a food processor mince the chives or green onions with the tops until they are finely minced. Remove and process the parsley to nearly a paste. This is to provide a faint green color for the dressing.

In a huge mixing bowl, like the KitchenAid 4-1/2 Qt. Mixer Bowl, stir all carefully until it is completely blended. Pour into covered containers like the Pyrex Storage Containers and refrigerate.

Makes 3 gallons of dressing

Crowd Coming? Fix This Giant Green Salad

Erma, only you could make a Daiquiri a DIET Drink. Are you sure about the calories, or lack of? Why hasn’t someone marketed these for the Low Calorie Crowd? Serve these in the office and not only do you serve a Good-For-You diet drink, but as a bonus, with a few of these under the belt, the stress level would drop as well.

I’m sending along a copy of the recipe I have used several times when feeding a large group, such as your Rehearsal Dinner. It is a basic tossed salad with the addition of sugared nuts and dried cranberries. I think it most useful as a guideline for how much to prepare. You know, you put out a giant bowl and say to yourself, how much stuff do I need to feed 100 people

Giant Green Salad for a Crowd:

5 bunches of romaine lettuce, torn
20 cups of torn leaf and iceberg lettuces
6 cups dried cranberries
3 sweet yellow peppers
3 sweet green peppers
3 sweet red peppers
4 cups walnut halves
3 tablespoons butter
1/4 cup sugar

In a heavy skillet, melt the butter. Add the walnuts and cook over medium heat until the nuts are toasted, about 5 minutes. Sprinkle on the sugar and cook an additional 2 to 3 minutes until the sugar is melted. At once spread the nuts on a foil lined jelly roll pan to cool. This part can be done several days ahead.

Chop the peppers coarsely in a food processor.

In a large serving bowl, like the Retro Oval Serving Bowl, or several smaller bowls, mix the lettuces, cranberries and peppers. Make the Dressing below at least a day ahead and refrigerate.

Just before serving, sprinkle on the sugared walnuts and drizzle on the Dressing. Toss the salad so that all the lettuce is coated.

Serves 100.

Dressing:

4 envelops Italian salad dressing mix
2 cups vegetable oil or olive oil
1 cup red wine vinegar

Place all ingredients in jar or container with a tight fitting lid and shake well.

As I sat here sending this e-mail, I heard that Rosie O’Donnell is considered to have the inside track to replace Bob Barker on The Price Is Right. That should kill the show fast. I never saw her on The View (who has the time?), but I did catch her other show a couple of times. She is NOT funny. She is crude, and unrefined, and definitely not a lady. How she manages to stay on television, and popular, is beyond me.

Diet Frozen Pineapple Daiquiris

Where has my mind gone these days? Max, I forgot to tell you about the best part of Rachel’s Rehearsal Dinner. It was the dessert. Okay, deserts, plural. Five of Evelyn’s best friends each sent two cakes. Every cake was different.

After the picnic outside, we went into the dining room where there were ten different cakes to choose from: Angel Food, German Chocolate, Strawberry, Marble, Blackberry Jam, Boston Cream Pie, Dutch Apple Cake, Lord Baltimore Cake, Carrot Cake. I confess that most of us had to sample every one of them. Now, I only had a small bite of each.

And as if all those cakes were not enough, there was Pineapple Daiquiri Ice to counter the sweetness of the cakes. Nothing can be easier to prepare if you have a ice cream maker. I made up 6 batches of this luscious treat earlier in the week and stored it in storage containers. It will keep for several months, IF you can resist the urge to indulge in this Cuban delight. You, of course, knew that Daiquiris were invented in Cuba and named for a town there?

One of these on a steaming hot day (it is 94 here today) really hits the spot. Now, Max, I am not making this up, but Pineapple Daiquiri Ice is a diet food. No, really!! My recipe says that one serving of the Ice has only 87 calories, 20 grams of carbohydrates, 0 grams of total fat, 0 milligrams of cholesterol, 1 milligram of sodium, and 58 milligrams of potassium. That sounds like a diet food to me. Heck, at 87 calories a serving this needs to be on everybody’s diet menu. This is healthier than a carrot, and a whole lot tastier.

Pineapple Daiquiri Ice:

2 20 ounce cans of pineapple chunks, or one 3 pound fresh pineapple
3/4 cup of sugar
1/4 cup of lime juice
1/4 cup of rum

Using a colander, drain the juice from one can of the pineapple, and set aside for another use. (Throw into your breakfast orange juice for a nice change of taste.)

Mix the remaining can of pineapple and juice with the drained pineapple, lime juice, sugar and rum. In a blender, process the mixture in small batches until it is nearly smooth.

Using your ice-cream freezer, freeze until very stiff. Store in the freezer in a storage container.

With the rum, this sorbet does not become hard when stored in most freezers.

This makes 12 servings.

I haven’t tried it yet, but I’ll bet that you could use fresh or frozen strawberries in place of the pineapple. Then, of course, it wouldn’t be a Pineapple Daiquiri, but a Strawberry Daiquiri. Aren’t I clever?

Speaking of which, I think it is time to have a diet snack and beat the heat. As they say down in Havana, “Hasta la vista, ba-by.”

Another Crowd Pleaser–Bourbon Baked Beans

So, you want to know what side dishes we had with the Creamy Chicken Casserole? Several molded fruit salads, a huge tossed lettuce salad, trays of hot rolls, and baked beans.

I can hear you now Max, where are Erma’s signature alcohol recipes? Well, it wasn’t just any old baked beans, it was BOURBON Baked Beans. All Kentuckians know that bourbon goes with just about everything.

This Rehearsal Dinner was a backyard picnic, and believe me, these Beans were a hit. Rich, dark, and manly.

Bourbon Baked Beans:

4 (1 pound) cans baked beans
1 teaspoon dry mustard
1/2 cup chili sauce
2 tablespoon dark molasses
1/2 cup bourbon
1/2 cup strong coffee
Medium onion
Bacon

In a food processor, turn the onion into a near pulp. Mix all but the bacon in a large covered container for at least 4 hours or overnight in the refrigerator so the beans have a chance to absorb the molasses and bourbon flavors.

Place in a very large baking casserole like the CorningWare Casserole that has a lid, or in several smaller ones. Bake covered at 300 degrees for 40 minutes. Remove the lid, add bacon slices and continue baking for another 40 minutes at 375 degrees.

Serves a lot.

Really. That is what my recipe says, “Serves a lot.” Nothing like being precise, and honest. Actually, if you have a male crowd this does not, “Serve a lot.”

More Cheap Rehearsal Dinner Ideas

Count on you, Max dear, to come up with a Rehearsal Dinner menu that didn’t break the bank. Best part, none of us there had a idea that you hadn’t spent hours in the kitchen and received your grocery’s “Shopper of the Week Award” for what you spent. Your frugal German ancestors must have been applauding you from their graves. I don’t know anyone who can put on a fancy dinner for next to nothing like you can.

When we first met, I remember you bragging that you never spent over $15.00 a week on groceries. Boy, was I envious? Happily, some of your penny-pinching ways rubbed off on me.

Here is the entrée Evelyn selected for Rachel’s Rehearsal Dinner, and I thought it was easy and inexpensive? I should have known that you would make me look like a piker.

Parmesan Green Beans would have fit in with Evelyn’s menu, although that would have made two cheese/creamy things on the menu. I think there is some rule against that, isn’t there?

Anyway, we cheated a little on this one. Instead of boiling chicken after chicken to get enough white meat for a crowd, or horrors, buying already cooked and chopped chicken breasts at outrageous prices, we bought two of those 68 cents a pound monster frozen turkeys. Like 20 pounds a piece they were, and we baked them early in the week. We wanted all white meat so we had turkey legs for dinner a couple of nights. So, not only did we spend less than $25.00 for the turkey for Tracy’s Creamy Chicken Casserole, we also had two meals of Baked Turkey Legs. I thought that was pretty thrifty, and worthy of you Max.

Everyone at the Rehearsal Dinner raved over this, and even the men scraped out the last little bit of creamy sauce from the casseroles. If Evelyn had catered this event, there is no telling what they would have charged for this item. And I guarantee it would not have been as tasty as our turkey casserole.

Tracy’s Creamy Chicken Casserole:

1 cup cubed cooked chicken
1/2 can of cream of chicken soup, undiluted
1/2 cup of sour cream
scant 1/2 cup of mayonnaise
1 hard cooked egg
1 celery rib
1 small green onion
1 teaspoon lemon juice
dash pepper
1/2 cup cheddar cheese
2 tablespoons butter
1/2 cup crushed corn flakes

Shred the cheese in a food processor. Chop the egg, green onion, and celery in the processor.

Melt the butter in a small saucepan like the KitchenAid 3-Qt Covered Saucepan, and stir in the crushed corn flakes. Set aside.

In a large bowl mix everything but the buttered corn flakes and cheese. Transfer to a greased medium sized casserole like the CorningWare 2.5 Qt. Oval Casserole. Sprinkle with the cheese and top with the corn flakes. Bake, uncovered at 350 degrees for 25 to 30 minutes.

Serves 4 to 5.

Tracy’s Creamy Chicken (or Turkey) Casserole was originally meant for the Ladies Luncheon type event in part because it could be made up the day before, and because it fed a lot of women for very few pennies.

Rehearsal Dinner Recipes That Won’t Break The Bank

So the neighbor’s daughter finally got married, Max? I remember a couple of months ago you asking if I had any ideas, or had been to any weddings. Evelyn must have been living under a rock if she and her daughter didn’t have hundreds of suggestions for the wedding and reception. Lately it seems that “bigger is better” is the underlaying theme of all brides.

You are right, they spend a fortune, or close to what a house costs. And for what? A couple of hours that the couple usually cannot recall without the wedding pictures? What a waste of time and money.

When I hosted the Rehearsal Dinner for Nick and Barb we had about 50 for dinner out at the house. We had a couple of hams, buckets of potato salad, and I made pan after pan of Parmesan Green Beans. No one guessed how easy, and cheap, the Beans were. I love this casserole as there is not a ingredient in it that all of us don’t have on the shelf all the time.

The recipe comes from the days when we were all counting every penny, and a can of green beans was about a quarter, so the total cost for 8 servings was .50 to .60 cents. Even today you are still talking less than a dollar and a half for 8 servings, which makes it perfect for a crowd.

Parmesan Green Beans:

2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons flour
dash of salt
1/2 teaspoon pepper
dash garlic salt
1 cup milk
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
4 tablespoons Parmesan cheese
2 (14 ounce) cans green beans, drained

Met the butter in a medium saucepan. Stir in flour, salt, pepper, and garlic salt. Stir in milk and heat until thickened. Add the Worcestershire and 2 tablespoons of the Parmesan cheese. Stir in the drained beans and cook until heated through. Serve in a pretty casserole such as the Corelle Cord Casserole Set and top with the remaining 2 tablespoons of Parmesan.

Wedding Food Idea

Max dear, you must have a cookbook full of coleslaw recipes. I guess it is that German, Polish, Irish gene pool that craves solid peasant food. No, I don’t think I have any coleslaw recipes that call for bourbon, but let me think about that for a while. If you count wine vinegar as alcohol, there actually are a number of slaw recipes with it.

I remember that slicer thing you mentioned. The T.V. ads showed a housewife swiftly turning out reams of sliced potatoes and carrots. It was about as truthful as those fancy knife ads we see today. As I recall, after a few times of fighting with the machine, they went to the back of the cupboard.

Did I mention that over the weekend we attended the Martin’s daughter’s wedding? It was such a refreshing change from the blowout bashes that so many young women stage today. The very IDEA of spending $50,000 to $60,000 and UP for a wedding!! It is obscene.

Rachel was a lovely bride and the reception, while small, was elegant. I say that partly because Rachel and Evelyn consulted with me about the menu. The wedding and reception were held at their home and consisted of appetizers, an tiered wedding cake that wasn’t dry and tasteless, and a rosy punch that exactly matched the colors of the bridesmaid’s pink dresses. We had to work a while to come up with the color matching.

Evelyn and I prepared most of the food ourselves and I decided that we needed to keep it simple so Evelyn wouldn’t stress out on Rachel’s big day. We had a tray of fresh fruits, a tray of assorted cheeses and crackers, a selection of tiny cocktail sandwiches, and Burgundy Mushroom Appetizers. With about 60 expected guests, we made up five makings of the recipe several days in advance and stored them in my fridge. The flavor is rather different than most pickled mushrooms and the color is so pretty. I recommend this recipe highly.

Burgundy Mushroom Appetizers:

4 pounds mushrooms
1 pound butter
1 tablespoon Accent
1 quart red wine
1 teaspoon garlic powder
1 1/2 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
1 teaspoon dill weed
1 teaspoon pepper
2 cups boiling water
4 beef bouillon cubes
2 chicken bouillon cubes

In a large stockpot like the Farberware Classic Stockpot with a cover, place all the ingredients in and bring to a boil. Cover and simmer for 3 to 4 hours until most of the liquid has been absorbed. Mushrooms should be burgundy in color.

Serve slightly chilled as an appetizer. Store in a covered Pyrex container in the refrigerator.

Serves about 25 as appetizer.

Coleslaw for a Hot Day

Erma, you never cease to amaze me with the recipes you can add alcohol to. About the only thing you don’t seem to pickle are salads, and you have boozed up some of those.

For Father’s Day and a big family barbeque, I was asked to bring a triple making of Aunt Betty’s Creamy Coleslaw. We call it Aunt Betty’s in the family, but it really should be Grandmother Heffelfinger’s Coleslaw as it was her German recipe. I defy you to add bourbon to this.

Coleslaw and cabbage in general are in dire need of a good public relation’s campaign. Most people think of coleslaw as that side dish that comes with fast food fried chicken and fish. If only they knew the truth: Coleslaw is a health food and comes in many tastes and varieties. Because it stores well (like months, if you know how), cabbage, and carrots, which also are a coleslaw staple, were about the only “fresh” vegetables available during the winter months.

Another advantage to coleslaw is that most recipes will hold nicely in the refrigerator for a couple of days, which is not true of many lettuce salads. Aunt Betty’s is a good example.

Aunt Betty’s Creamy Coleslaw:

1/2 cup mayonnaise
1 tablespoon vinegar
2 teaspoons sugar
1/2 teaspoon celery seeds
dash of salt
4 cups of finely sliced (not grated or chopped) green cabbage
2 medium carrots
2 green onions

Clean and roughly grate with a grater the carrots. At once scrape the carrots into the mayonnaise and let stand while preparing the rest of the slaw. Stir several times. The carrots tint the mayonnaise a pale orange.

Either slice the cabbage or use a food processor with a slicing attachment. Finely chop the green onions including all of the tops.

When the mayonnaise is pale orange, stir in the vinegar, sugar, celery seeds and salt. Mix well; then fold in the remaining vegetables. Store in the refrigerator in a covered container like these Pyrex Storage Containers for 2 to 24 hours. This makes about 6 servings.

Aunt Betty used Grandmother’s wooden kraut cutter to get that uniform thin slice of cabbage so necessary for this recipe. There are metal devices out there that claim to slice as well. Remember in the Fifties and Sixties there was that 3 legged round slicer that every modern housewife had to have? It must have been one of the first T.V. promotions. You had to hold the vegetables down with a plunger in one hand and turn a crank with the other. Most of the time it didn’t slice very well, it just jumped around on the counter. It was too small and the slicing disks were not sharp. The invention of the food processor retired that “labor saver” to the antique shelf along with cherry pitters and apple peelers.

A Paris Hilton Cake for Her Jail House Tea

Max, you have missed your calling in life: Shrink to the Stars. First, you diagnose Paris without even talking to her, and then you come up with a “cure” like Paris “rehabilitating her fellow criminals” by teaching them the proper way to conduct a High Tea.

Flaw with your plan, dear. It assumes that Paris herself knows how to lay out a proper Tea. If she did not graduate high school, and she goes around wearing little in the way of clothes, it is unlikely that she bothered to learn how to Preside at Tea. Can’t you imagine Paris, Nicole Ritchie, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears, all in dresses and white gloves, sitting around Paris’ jail cell sipping tea that Paris is pouring from her silver tea service? The conversation? Certainly not of attending the Flower Show next week!

Perfect for that crew is Wild Turkey Bourbon Chocolate Cake.

True, the alcohol disappears when it is cooked, but there is nothing to keep one from sprinkling a little extra over the cake after it cools. If you are a Paris Hilton type, you know that you can’t trust even a well-known brand like Wild Turkey, so you will need to test the bottle before using it. It often takes several drinks to determine if the proof is what the distillery says it is.

For a High Tea, presentation is everything. This cake should be sitting on a tall cut glass cake plate and cut with a silver cake knife. The pieces are supposed to be quite small, although jailhouse gals probably would demand huge pieces, and topped with fresh raspberries.

Erma’s Egg Tip: While cookbooks sometimes remind the cook to have eggs at room temperature before beating, most of us forget to take the eggs out of the fridge long before we begin to bake. So, when you forget, simply place the eggs in a large bowl and run hot water straight out of the tap over them for a few minutes. By the time you have the rest of the ingredients ready to mix, the eggs should be at room temperature.

Not only do room temp eggs whip up much higher, they separate much easier. You don’t believe me? Try separating and beating a cold egg, and then compare it with a room temp egg. You won’t believe the difference.

Wild Turkey Bourbon Chocolate Cake:

2 tablespoons butter
6 ounces chocolate
pinch of salt
8 eggs, separated
3/4 cup of sugar
2 tablespoons sugar
2 cups pecans ground in a nut grater
2 tablespoons Wild Turkey Bourbon
pinch of cream of tartar

Butter and flour a 10-inch cake pan, and preheat the oven to 375 degrees.

In a double broiler, place the butter, chocolate and salt in the bowl and stir until the chocolate melts.

With a stand mixer beat the egg yolks and 3/4 cup of sugar until the mixture is a pale gold color. Stir in the slightly cooled chocolate mixture, the pecans, and the bourbon.

In your large mixer bowl, beat the egg whites and cream of tartar until soft peaks form. Add the 2 tablespoons of sugar and continue beating until the whites are stiff, but not dry.

Fold in with a spatula about a third of the egg whites to lighten the batter. Then fold in the remaining whites until the batter is smooth. Pour into the prepared pan and bake for 45 to 55 minutes. Test the center with a skewer until the skewer comes out clean. Set cake pan on a cooling rack.

After the cake has cooled, unmold the cake and store in a covered cake storage container.

Serve this cake plain with fresh fruit such as peaches, raspberries, or strawberries, or dust with confectioner’s sugar. Or pour over some white chocolate or raspberry syrup. And don’t forget to sprinkle on a bit of extra bourbon.

Another Cookie for Paris’ Care Package

I just remembered another bar type cookie that would be perfect to include in our Care Package to Paris Hilton. It is British in origin, which is so IN with the upper crust, and it came from California, home to Paris and assorted other kooks. This really is the sort of thing that should be served on a Spode plate at a High Tea. Surely they have High Tea in the L.A. Jail? If not, Paris could introduce the custom to her fellow inmates.

Isn’t that a vision? A group of convicted felons convening at 4:00 to sit down for genteel conversation and a cup of tea? For part of their craft and rehabilitation time they could learn how to crochet lace edges on napkins and tea sets. Perhaps one of the reasons they are in jail now is because they did not learn how to properly pour at tea.

Orange Marmalade Bars:

1 cup orange marmalade
1/2 cup chopped pecans
1/2 cup flaked coconut
1/2 butter
1 cup brown sugar
1 egg
2 tablespoons orange juice
1 1/2 cup flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
dash salt
1 cup quick-cooking rolled oats
Orange Confectioners Frosting (recipe follows)

Mix marmalade, nuts and coconut in a small bowl.

In a stand mixer, beat the brown sugar and butter until it is light and fluffy. Beat in the orange juice and egg.

Mix flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt in a mixing bowl. Beat flour into the creamed mixture. Fold in the rolled oats with a spatula. In a well-greased 13 x 9 inch baking pan, spread half of the dough. Drop teaspoonfuls of the marmalade mixture over the dough and carefully spread so that the marmalade completely covers the dough. Carefully spread the remaining dough over the marmalade. A good wide spatula, such as the KitchenAid Spatula in this utensil set, is best for this.

Bake in a preheated 350 degree over for 33 to 38 minutes. Frost with Orange Confectioners Frosting while the bars are still slightly warm. You want the Frosting to slightly melt into the bars. Cool completely in the pan and then cut into 3 x 1 inch bars. Makes about 40.

Orange Confectioners Frosting:

1 1/2 cups confectioners sugar
2 tablespoons soft butter
2 to 3 tablespoons orange juice.

Beat all well in a mixer.

Cookie Deprivation Syndrome is Cause of Paris Hilton’s DUI’s

Doctor Maxine has discovered why Paris Hilton is in trouble? The good doctor (without even talking to the patient yet) has analyzed Paris as suffering from Cookie Deprivation Syndrome. This little known syndrome is common in the upper classes, and the results are disastrous. She did not have cookies as a child so now she is seeking relief in a bottle? Her DUI’s are a desperate cry for help!! With this stunning insight into the psyche of Paris Hilton, you are ready for a round on the morning talk shows. Have you discussed this theory yet with Dr. Phil? Why, this could be a Best Selling Book. At the very least, this deserves a seminar at the American Psychological Association annual meeting. As nutty as some of their theories are, you would probably get Cookie Deprivation Syndrome listed as a recognized mental problem. No, they would not say “problem,” it is aberration or some such watered down term for “all messed up.”

My husband would add to Cookie Deprivation Syndrome, the Meat Deprivation Syndrome. The man thinks that if there is not meat on the table with every meal, it is not a meal. He says the symptoms of the Syndrome are weak, listless behavior; lack of ability to do even the most simple household chores; and a fierce craving for anything might be classed as an animal. Fortunately M.D.S is easily cured with a 12-ounce steak, or a whole chicken, or a large cut of pork.

Chinese Roast Pork Strips are a sure cure for an attack of M.D.S. And you will notice that in keeping with my image of never cooking anything without some alcohol, it has a bit of sherry in the marinade.

Chinese Roast Pork Strips: (serves 4)

3 pound boneless pork tenderloin in one piece

Marinade:

1 teaspoon fresh ginger
2 cloves of garlic
3 tablespoons hoisin sauce
4 tablespoon dark soy sauce
1 tablespoon sherry
1 teaspoon sugar
Salt to taste–With the soy sauce this really isn’t necessary

Make up the marinade by mincing the garlic with a press, mincing the ginger with a grater, and then mixing all together in a shallow, non-metal casserole or baking dish.

Cut the pork tenderloin lengthwise into four or more long strips about 1 1/2 inches in diameter. Place the pork strips in the marinade, coat on both sides and set aside for 4 to 6 hours. Turn occasionally. Save the Marinade to baste the meat while cooking.

Grill for about an hour 3 to 4 inches from the fire on a charcoal grill, or bake or broil in the oven. Every 15 minutes baste the meat with a basting brush, and turn with tongs. Do not use a fork as this lets the juices out of the meat. The edges of the meat should be crisp and brown.

To serve, slice the pork strips into 1/4 inch slices. Serve with rice and salad.

This is an excellent Marinade for any pork, or chicken Chinese style stir-fry dish.

If you are grilling some vegetables like onions, squash, or asparagus at the same time as the pork, try brushing a little Marinade on them as well.

Cookies for the Care Package

Well, Erma, I see that you are still trying to extend Paris’ jail stay by teaching her to include alcohol in all your suggested recipes. I remember the No-Knead-To-Rise Beer Bread recipe very well. We thought it was so chic and daring. Who would ever have thought that you could make bread so easily? And without yeast and kneading? And with beer which our mothers told us proper young ladies did not drink?.

Now, if I were going to send Paris a Care Package, I would include some nice cookies for her to snack on. Can’t you see the Parents Hilton arriving at the jail with a cardboard box, or as is more likely in their case, with a fancy napkin lined basket, filled with cookies and snacks? Each cookie individually wrapped in colored plastic wrap and tied with a little bow? There would be a few fancy fruits and several bottles of expensive, imported water (you know that Paris could not possibly drink the water right out of the tap), and some tins from Harrods in London.

Speaking of which, did you hear that the Hiltons do not have to wait in line with the rest of the families of prisoners? They go straight to the front of the line and into the jail. And they say that money does not talk? Do these people (both Hiltons and jailers) have a clue about the resentment the public feels at this sort of preferential treatment? It isn’t just what they are doing, it is the surprise that there are people out there who object to their actions. Do they live in such a sheltered world that they have no idea of what real people do and think?

Perhaps a part of the problem is that Paris had a stage mother who pushed her daughter into a movie career. I heard last night that the girl did not even graduate high school! Now it is sad that with all the Hilton money, they could not even buy her a diploma from some private school. The Parents Hilton should have watched the movie, “Making The Grade.” In it a wealthy boy has to graduate high school or lose his trust fund so he hires someone to pretend to be himself and finish his lst year of school. It is really funny, and funny we need today.

I am going to play amateur shrink. Paris Hilton’s problem is that she did not have a normal childhood. I will bet that not once in her school years did she come home to find Mother Hilton in the kitchen pulling out a sheet of homemade cookies.

I can’t begin to count the times that I came home to find hot Childhood Butterscotch Refrigerator Cookies sitting on the kitchen table. The most awful school day became bearable with one of these. The funny part is that it was years before I discovered that my mother was not taking an hour or so every day to bake these cookies just for me. She always kept a dozen or so rolls of the cookie dough stored away in the freezer so all she had to do was grab a roll, slice it into thin cookies while the oven heated, and in a matter of minutes there would be fresh cookies.

If fifteen years ago Mother Hilton had made Paris some of these cookies, she might not be visiting her daughter in jail today.

Childhood Butterscotch Refrigerator Cookies:

3 1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup solid shortening
1/2 cup butter
2 cups brown sugar
2 eggs, room temperature and well beaten
2 tablespoons warm water
1 teaspoon vanilla

In a small bowl, mix the flour, salt, cinnamon and soda. Cream the shortening and butter with a retro green mixer. After all this is the 1950’s and we want to preserve the ambiance. Gradually add the sugar and beat until light. Add the eggs, water and vanilla and mix well.

Heaping tablespoon at a time, add the flour mixture until blended well.

Lay out sheets of waxed paper and with your hands and a spatula, shape the dough into 2 inch diameter rolls. Wrap the rolls tightly in the waxed paper and chill at least overnight. When ready to bake, cut the rolls into 1/8 inch slices that are placed at least 1 1/2 inches apart on an ungreased cookie sheet. The deluxe cookie sheet with its superior baking design produces a uniformly baked cookie. Because of their excellent design, you may find that the cooking time is reduced slightly. Bake at 400 degrees 10 to 12 minutes. Watch carefully.

Let the cookies sit for a minute or two on the sheet before removing to a cooling rack. This makes about 6 dozen cookies. Store in a tight container or cookie jar.

This is a really versatile recipe. You can add a cup of nuts, or chocolate chips, or coconut to change the texture and taste. The dough holds well for at least a week in the fridge so you can make it up at your leisure, and bake a batch in minutes. You can also freeze the dough for several months. Store the rolls of dough in a large zip lock freezer bag to avoid freezer burn. Simply give the dough enough time to soften enough to cut with a serrated knife. It doesn’t have totally thaw. A microwave comes in handy here.

The smell is “Mother Loves You and Is Baking You Fresh Cookies Today.” This brings back memories of Mom in the kitchen wearing her apron taking out a tray of fresh baked cookies just as you came in the door from school. Talk about nostalgia.

News Flash from L.A.

Max, Breaking News Flash!! It was reported minutes ago (9:45 EST) that Paris Hilton was moved last night back in the “special needs unit” of the Los Angeles jail. She had been undergoing psychiatric evaluations for an, “undisclosed medical condition.” “Undisclosed medical condition.” Could that be like Alcohol Withdrawal, Fear of Being Around Normal Jail Prisoners, or Just Plain Spoiled?

Paris Can Have Her Beer and Make Bread Too

In the old days, prisoners were put on diets of bread and water, something that I think is too good for Miss Moneybags. Then I remembered a bread that is perfect for Paris Hilton. We used to fix it decades ago back in California because it is nearly foolproof, and heaven knows I needed foolproof recipes back then. With only four ingredients, no kneading, and no yeast to proof and rise, how much easier can a loaf of bread be?

The first time I had this bread, it was made by a Santa Barbara Junior League member who was as lacking in culinary skills as I was. She was creating a reputation as a great cook because she “bakes her own bread.”

Why, even Paris and her friends, who do not strike me as the kind to spend too much time in a kitchen baking goodies, could make this bread. Only in their case, the recipe should be altered to begin as, “Take a six pack of beer out of the refrigerator. Drink 5 of the beers while you hunt down the loaf pan and find the ingredients for the bread. Be sure and save ONE of the beers for the bread. If you forget and drink all six in the pack, you have to start over with a new six pack. By this time, you won’t want to try and turn on an oven anyway.”

No-Knead-To-Rise Beer Bread:

2 cups self-rising flour
3 tablespoons sugar
1 can beer (12-14 oz)
1 stick of butter, melted

Place the flour, sugar and beer in a mixing bowl and stir with a spoon for about 2 minutes. Pour into a greased loaf pan. Bake in a preheated 350 degree oven for 30 minutes. Remove loaf from the oven and pour the melted butter over the bread. Return the bread to the oven and bake for about 30 minutes longer. If the top is browning too fast, place an aluminum foil tent over the bread the final 15 minutes of baking.

This bread is best eaten warm with some cheese and a tall German Pilsner. You are SUPPOSED to save the remaining 5 beers in the six-pack to serve to your friends with the bread. Of course, if you are Paris, or Nicole Ritchie, or Lindsay Lohan, or even Mel Gibson, you will probably use the alternative recipe. The alternative recipe is called “No Need To Rise Off The Floor” as that is what happens if you follow it. Like the pun?

Teen Party Treat

Well, Erma, now that we finally seem to have put poor Paris to jail for a while, let us hope that the news hounds can find another story to run. Of course, when Paris eats your Care Package Mai Tai Pie, she will probably be held over for breaking jail rules and drinking while in the tank.

It was interesting last night to hear some teens give their opinions of Paris and her behavior. To a person, they all thought exactly the way we old fogies do, namely that she is a disgrace.

One of the girl’s brought over this dip for the party last night. It has been around a couple of years and the boys devour it. This is one of those dishes that probably wouldn’t have been made frequently back before food processors were common. Look at all that chopping. How did we live without food processors? Being almost a pizza, which seems to be THE favorite teen food, you can’t miss if you serve this dip at a teen gathering.

Pepperoni Pizza Spread Made Super Easy with a Food Processor:

2 cups of mozzarella cheese
2 cups cheddar cheese
1 cup mayonnaise
1 cup chopped pepperoni
1 small can mushroom stems and pieces, drained
1/2 cup onion
1/2 cup green pepper
1 can (6 oz.) black olives
1 cup stuffed green olives
Dipping chips, assorted crackers, breadsticks

In your food processor, shred the cheeses, chop the pepperoni, mushroom pieces, onion, green pepper, and olives individually. Think of how much time you are saving instead of individually chopping each of these ingredients. Mix everything but the dippers and place in a 11 x 7 inch baking casserole. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes at 350 degrees until the top is lightly browned and edges are bubbly. This makes about 6 cups and is so popular with teens that you will probably want to make two.

Avocado Disaster

Yes, Max, I was a Girl Scout, and a Brownie, and an award-winning camper every summer at Camp Sleep Hollow. I had a sash crammed full of badges and that included all the Outdoors’ ones like Camping, Hiking, Horseback Riding, Bicycling, Campfire Cooking. I really was quite a tomboy. The badge that got a lot of laughs was when I earned the regular Cooking Badge. Everybody wondered how I had paused long enough in the kitchen to earn anything but an Eating Badge. My aversion to all things domestic was known to all.

Remember, when I first met you, and we were such earnest young brides, I really couldn’t cook. I left college with a kitchen repertoire consisting solely of Spaghetti and Meatballs, Deviled Steak, Grandmother H’s Turkey Dressing, and the ability to throw some lettuce into a bowl with bottled dressing that I called a Tossed Salad. Honestly, that was ALL I could cook. Everything I cooked for the first couple of years was done with a cookbook in one hand, and there were plenty of disasters.

Then I met you, sturdy Iowa farm girl, who was born in a kitchen. There was a very good reason you were always assigned the food details for those luncheons and I was made the greeter. Someone obviously had tasted my Greek Lemon Chicken Casserole that neither lemon lovers or Greeks would eat. My dishes would be sitting there, almost untouched, while yours were scraped clean and everyone would be begging for your recipes. Did I ever envy you!

How naive was I in the kitchen? The first time I tasted an avocado was in Guacamole Dip, which I thought was very fashionably Californian. A friend shared her recipe, and the next time we had a potluck at work, I decided to bring this treat. I bought my first avocados in the grocery and followed her recipe to the nth degree. Next morning when I went to the fridge to take out the Guacamole, it was this nasty, blackened mess. No one told me that you have to leave the pit in to prevent browning. Erma’s potluck contribution that day was a bag of chips. The Avocado Disaster ended up scraped into the garbage can.

I can’t imagine what I would have done with this recipe back then.

Avocado Salad with Celery Seed Dressing:

1/3 cup sugar
1/3 cup vinegar
1 cup oil
1 teaspoon dry mustard
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup fresh grated onion
1 teaspoon celery seeds
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder (optional)
1 avocado
Romaine or Boston lettuce

Place sugar, vinegar, mustard, salt, and onion in a bowl and let set for 10 to 15 minutes. Then with a heavy duty whisk add the celery seeds and sloooowly add the oil while whisking vigorously. If using a food processor like the KitchenAid 3-Cup Chef’s Chopper, add the celery seeds after processing.

This will keep in the refrigerator for at least a week or more, so consider making a double making as it is good on all kinds of lettuce salads, and even potato and macaroni salads. The very same recipe makes Poppy Seed Dressing–simply substitute poppy seeds for the celery seeds.

For this salad, just before serving peel the avocado and slice it. Make a bed of lettuce on a plate, decoratively lay out the avocado, and drizzle on the dressing.

Use your food processor to make the grated onion without tears. In the old days before we all had food processors, grating onions was not a pleasant chore. If you have them, use green onions with the tops as the tops give a nice green color to the dressing.

GREEN ONION TIP: When green onions are plentiful in the spring, and you are not using all of the green tops, simply chop the unused green tops into a normal chop size and place in a container in the freezer. When you need some green onion–which are mostly for color anyways–just dip out the amount you need. They don’t stick together and will remain useful for months. My husband came up with this idea as he is always needing green onions for Stir Fried Rice and Chinese soups.

Camping Trip

Gracious, Erma, do you want to get poor Paris in even more trouble with the law? When that Mai Tai Pie arrives at the jail, some deputy will catch a whiff of it and confiscate it. Paris will never see that Pie as it will become some jailers coffee break treat.

We have sort of lost touch of the Hollywood Frenzy as we went camping over on the lake this weekend. You know, it is actually refreshing to spend a few days without any news. We can’t do a single thing about the news, and hearing the news days later sort of puts things in perspective.

Now if Paris and her family had taken the time to camp out on a lakeshore and come to love nature, she might not be the spoiled girl she is. There is more to life that mansions in Beverly Hills, and clothes closets the size of living rooms. Yes, I saw the pictures of Paris’ walk-in closet. My question is why does she need a closet that huge? Most of the time I see her she is wearing almost nothing. How much space does a wardrobe of almost nothing need?

Saturday night we grilled chicken, corn on the cob, and Girl Scout Potatoes in Foil for dinner. Think back to our old green Girl Scout Guidebook. Wasn’t this recipe in there, right next to Smores? In my memory it certainly was. I think we had Potatoes in Foil at our first overnight camping trip as Brownies. We would have been, what, maybe seven?

Certainly over the years of camping trips and cookouts, I have fixed this recipe hundreds of times and it is still good.

Tell me, Erma, were you a Girl Scout? I do have trouble imagining you out there in the woods, but then I remember trying to keep up with you on trips up into the Sierras.

Girl Scout Potatoes in Foil:

For each serving, lay out about a 12 to 18 inch piece of heavy duty aluminum foil (or several thickness’ of regular foil). Cut 2 pieces of thick bacon in half. Lay two of the pieces in the middle of the foil. Slice half of a medium potato thinly on top of the bacon. Leave the skin on if you wish. Lay a thick slice of onion, separated into rings on top of the onion. Sprinkle with seasoned salt and a small pat of butter. Slice the rest of the potato and another slice of onion in rings. Sprinkle with seasoned salt and top with the remaining two pieces of bacon. Wrap into a tight foil package.

These can be roasted on the grill for about an hour (to cut down grill time, bake in a hot oven for 20 to 30 minutes and finish on the grill), or bake completely in the oven for about an hour, or the way we did them as Girl Scouts: Place the packages directly in the hot coals of a campfire and let them cook for about an hour.

A good side for this is Corn on the Cob that is also foil roasted. As kids, we would go out to the field and pick some ears of field corn–which isn’t tender enough to eat except for a week or so–which we took off the husk and silks and slathered well with butter, salt and pepper and wrapped in several layers of foil. These we placed directly in the coals as well. They would come out crusty and sometimes a little blackened, but that way you didn’t care that the corn wasn’t very tender.

A Care Package Present for Paris

I declare Max, you have the most incredible ideas about me. After all these years, haven’t you learned that Southern women are hard as nails? Did you not watch Steel Magnolias? My dear, all of us Southern Belles grew up knowing that behind every sweet little facade of helpless womanhood was a female completely capable of killing. We just inherited the genes of generations of women who had learned the easier way to survive and get our way. Scrooge McDuck was exactly right: “Work smarter, not harder.”

The pity is that Paris Hilton has not learned this valuable lesson. You would think that with all her money and social position, someone would have taken the poor girl aside and explained the Facts Of Life to her. You can be as silly as you want, but do not break society’s rules and expect any sympathy from the masses. The masses of Americans have this strange attitude that the rules they have to follow are the same rules that EVERYONE is supposed to obey. No doubt in the rarified surrounds of Hollywood and Beverly Hills, some celebrities have been lead to believe that they are above the law, but that does not mean that those of us out in the Great Fly Over States or the Bible Belt happen to share their twisted logic.

Okay, Old Law and Order Erma has been rather hard on poor little Paris, so to make up for all the less than nice things that I have said about the spoiled baby, I have decided to sent her a Care Package. It is a Tropical Mai Tai Pie–comfort food for her kind–and will supply a much needed alcohol fix to the booze hound. Perhaps I will send a few island decorations along with it so she can brighten up that bare cell; however, after a couple of slices of this pie, Paris won’t even notice the sterile environment.

Tropical Mai Tai Pie:

Filling:

1 package cream cheese, room temperature (8 oz.)
1 can sweetened condensed milk (14 oz.)
1 can frozen orange juice, thawed (6 oz)
2 teaspoons orange-flavored liqueur
1/3 cup light rum
1 container frozen whipped nondairy topping, thawed (4 or 5 oz)
Toasted coconut

In a mixer, beat the cream cheese until very fluffy. Add the condensed milk and orange juice and again beat until smooth. Stir in the rum and orange liqueur with a large mixing spoon. Finally fold in with a heavy duty spatula the whipped topping. Pour into the crust and refrigerate for at least 5 hours until firm. Garnish with toasted coconut at serving time.
If you have a pie pan with a storage cover, this is the perfect place to use it.

Crust:

2 cups flaked coconut
1/4 cup butter

Melt the butter in a small sauce pan. Mix the coconut and melted butter in a small bowl, then press mixture on the bottom and sides of a 9-inch pie pan. Bake in a 300 degree oven for 20 to 25 minutes. Cool before adding the filling.

A Graham Cracker Crust is another possibility. A regular pre baked pie crust could be used if the pie is to be eaten the same day as the filling will tend to soften a regular pie crust.

Paris Hilton Strawberry Armagnac

Call me Law and Order Erma? I recall that you earlier suggested that Paris and all her drinking, druggy friends be shipped off to Marine Boot Camp. Wouldn’t you love to see that crew under the eagle eye direction of an old Marine gunny? I am sure that First Sergeant Kowalkaiski could take care of the “Panic Attacks” poor Miss Hilton is suffering.

Think of it. A new T.V. Show. “Paris at Parris (Island)” Now that is a show that I would watch. Now that the FCC has ruled that profanity is okay for prime time television, we would hear some really creative and complex use of the four letter words. I’m sure Paris knows and uses them all, but wouldn’t it be fun to watch her when they are directed at her? And she can’t talk back!!

In honor of our hard drinking celeb, I am renaming my dessert Paris Hilton Strawberry Armagnac, as who better could appreciate its taste?

I think I had gotten through the sherry, port and armagnac before I had to vent my road rage.

Here is the rest:
1/2 cup of sugar
2 pint baskets of ripe strawberries
Vanilla ice cream

Mix together the sherry, port, and armagnac. Add the sugar and stir until it is fully dissolved. Wash the berries in a colander and remove stems and hulls. Put the berries in the liquid and marinade in the refrigerator for several hours. The longer the better.

In 6 lovely cut glass bowls or thin sundae glasses, place 2 small scoops of ice cream. Divide the berries between the six servings and pour the juice over the ice cream. Do NOT drink all the marinade juice yourself–even though Paris might be tempted to–or you will have another Paris Hilton DUI.

Paris Hilton Outrage

So much for your image as the sweet, brainless Southern Belle, Erma–not that I haven’t known it for thirty years. When we first met, people used to say, “Isn’t Erma the sweetest thing? But, you know, she hasn’t a brain in her head. She just gets along by batting those baby blue eyes and looking helpless. And that drawl? Surely not even in the deep South do girls still talk that way.”

I wasn’t fooled for very long. It was evident that behind that charming smile, there was a clever and conniving woman. I think the first time I realized it was when we were working on a luncheon for the Republican Women’s Club in Ventura County. All the rest of us younger wives were assigned the jobs like decorating the tables, and providing the food. You were given the difficult task of having everyone sign in at the door. I was sweating like a pig arranging the buffet table, and there you sat in your pink silk suit and matching hat telling the guests to please sign the Guest Book. After all, as one of the Powers-That-Be explained to us peons at the buffet table, that is all that poor little Erma can do. She just isn’t cut out for hard work.

I suspected the ditzy Southern girl thing was mostly an act, and then one day you confirmed it when you told me that you were a firm believer in Scrooge McDuck’s philosophy: Work smarter, not harder. The “smarter” girl was greeting the guests, the “dumber” girls were serving the food.

So, here you are right in the middle of another one of your pickled fruit desserts–ladies with coin silver spoons? Erma, not even in your youth were ladies sitting around on verandas nibbling on Strawberries Armagnac, were they?

By the way, ditzy blonde you didn’t finish the recipe. Anyway there you were raiding the liquor store for this dessert and suddenly you start in on the Paris Hilton Outrage. Have you no sympathy for a fellow ditzy blonde with big baby blue eyes?

Oh, no. Darling little Erma wants to send that girl straight to the Big House. Make her serve every single minute of her sentence. Hard line Law and Order Erma you are. I certainly wouldn’t want to have you as my judge. There you would sit at the bench, with a pink lace ruffle on your black robe, smiling sweetly. “Miss Hilton,” you would drawl, “This court finds you-all guilty of all charges, and sentences you-all to the maximum jail term allowed by law (that is la-aw, two syllables). In the future, ah trust that you-all will not be drinkin’ and drivin’ at the same time. Come before mah court again and Ah will sentence you-all to the chain gang.”

P.S., Law and Order Erma, please send the rest of that recipe, so far I have sherry, port and armagnac brandy. Think Paris Hilton drinks this dessert?

Strawberries Armagnac

Max dear, I just remembered another easy and delightful strawberry dessert: Strawberries Armagnac. Yes, it is another one of those old Southern (Alabama, I think) recipes that is heavy on the booze. Think magnolias in bloom, white wicker furniture on the veranda, a soft Southern breeze, and ladies in big, flowered hats sipping this dessert with antique coin silver spoons.

Strawberries Armagnac:

4 ounces sherry
4 ounces port
2 ounces armagnac

Breaking News Flash!

Max, Tom just came home for lunch and he heard the most incredible Paris Hilton update. Just when I thought no one could top last night’s story on releasing that girl from jail after a few days because, “she had panic attacks,” here comes the news that the judge has ordered her back in court and won’t let her have a phone hearing.

What has the world of justice come to? First, some sherrif takes it upon himself to release a sentenced prisioner after 3 days, and then the poor baby is given an ankle bracelet and told to remain in her four bedroom mansion to complete her jail time. Such a hardship that must be. Family and friends are free to visit. She has a pool. No doubt she has servants to take care of her. What kind of punishment is that?

Confine me to my house for 40 days, and call it punishment? Come on now!

Justice is blind they say. Well, Lady Justice must be crying into her eye covering over this one. If I were an attorney, the next time one of my clients is sentenced to jail, I would make sure they had a “Panic Attack” and demand that the be given home incarceration. What a farce! That sherrif had better hope that the Hilton’s are going to provide him with a job and income because I think the public outrage is going to force him out of office. Fast!!

Sherrifs here are elected, and I suppose that they are in California too. Imagine running for re-election with this scandel on your public record? I can’t believe that the public, let alone the sentencing judge, is going to stand for this.

I hope the judge orders Paris right back to jail to serve her full sentence, and if it can be proven that a bribe was offered that they take down the whole sleazy bunch.

Well, I must run, I’ll finish this tomorrow!

Strawberry Filled Cake Roll

Max, had any of your foreign visitors ever eated rhubarb before? I always thought of it as an old fashioned plant that sort of grows wild. We used to call it Pie Plant as that is all that you did with it.

Now, if I were going to serve a foreign trade delegation, I would dazzle them with Strawberry Filled Cake Roll. Remember that strawberries are an American contribution to the world’s diet.

Strawberry Filled Cake Roll:

6 eggs, separated
6 tablespoons sugar
3 tablespoons flour
1/8 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 pints strawberries, thinly sliced
1 cup heavy cream, whipped

Let eggs come to room temperature before separating.

Beat the yolks with 4 tablespoons of the sugar and beat with a whisk until thick. Beat egg whites until stiff. Gradually fold in flour, salt, vanilla, into the yolks. Finally fold in the egg whites.

Butter a jelly roll pan and line with wax or parchment paper. Butter the paper. Spread the cake over the paper and bake at 350 degrees for 12 to 15 minutes.

Remove from the over and sprinkle with 1 tablespoon of the remaining sugar. Turn the cake out with the sugar side down. Carefully remove the waxed paper and sprinkle with the final 1 tablespoon of sugar. Spread with the strawberries.

When the cake is cool, roll it like a jelly roll. Spread roll with whipped cream. This cake will keep at least one day.

Spring Rhubarb Salad for a Crowd

How could I ever forget the smell of Oxnard Strawberry fields? It was like smelling wine, which it sort of was as the last berries were beginning to rot in the fields.

Erma, do you realize that it is over 30 years since we met in Oxnard? We thought we were so sophisticated, and we were the envy of all our old friends. We were living in Southern California. Land of blue skies and sunny beaches!!

We’ve come a long way, baby.

If you have told me then that I would end up back on a farm in Iowa, I would have said no way, Erma, I’m never going back there. So, look at me now. Hurrying around, fixing salad for 20 visiting foreign ag students who are here to see how we grow soybeans in central Iowa.

Naturally the Board insisted that our dinner menu feature all local products that they would not have back home. I got to make Spring Rhubarb Salad for a Crowd.

Spring Rhubarb Salad for a Crowd:

1 ounce unflavored gelatin
1 cup of cold water
1 1/2 quarts of pink rhubarb
3 cups boiling water
2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons lemon rind
1 1/2 cups raisins
2 cups celery, diced
lettuce
mayonnaise

Soften the gelatin in the cold water. Place rhubarb in boiling water and cook for 5 minutes. Stir in the sugar. If the rhubarb is not a deep red color, you can add some red food coloring to get the deep pink you want.

Remove rhubarb from the heat. Grate the lemon rind with a grater. Add lemon rind and gelatin. Stir well and chill.

When it begins to thicken, add the raisins and celery. Pour into heavy molds that have been rinsed in cold water. Chill until firm. Cut in squares and serve on lettuce leaves with a bit on mayonnaise on top.

Another Rich Strawberry Recipe

Max, do you remember driving through the Oxnard Plain in late spring with all its fields of strawberries? And how we would buy whole flats of strawberries right from the field for next to nothing? Remember the heady smell from miles of flat strawberry fields?

That’s all changed from our youthful days there. We were back two years ago, and much of the Plain is now planted with tacky houses. There are still some vegetable farms, but I don’t remember seeing and smelling any strawberry fields.

If you need a really simple strawberry dessert that will get raves from both men and women, try this old Southern recipe.

Strawberries with Chocolate and Rum:

2 cups strawberries
1/4 cup sugar
1/2 cup heavy cream
1/4 cup sweet chocolate
1 tablespoon confectioners’ sugar
1 tablespoon light rum

Slice the strawberries and sprinkle with sugar. Refrigerate for several hours in a covered container.

At serving time, whip the cream with a stand mixer. Grate the chocolate with a grater. Fold in the chocolate, confectioners’ sugar and rum. Place strawberries in pretty, clear glass wineglasses or bowls and serve the whipped cream over the berries. Makes 4 generous servings.

Strawberry Delight

Erma, do you have ANY recipes that are not alcohol laden? I remember you telling me about your teetottling grandmothers and great aunts who believed that No lady would ever be caught drinking, yet nearly all their recipes seem to start with, “Go to the liquor cabinet and pick up several bottles of ___.”

Let’s face it, Erma, if your family’s recipes are any indication of the alcohol consumption of the female population of the Old South, they didn’t have to “drink.” The desserts alone would have brought pink to their cheeks.

Erma, if Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie and the other Hollywood spoiled brats are going to serve time for multiple DUI’s, not even the Celebrity Jail is going to put your Strawberries Romanoff on the menu, but I’ll bet they all would love it. On the other hand, this “Hot weather refresher” is elegant enough for the picky celebs, AND is not packed with alcohol.

Strawberry Delight:

1 cup flour
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup pecans
1/2 cup butter
2 egg whites
1 cup sugar
3 cups fresh strawberries
2 teaspoons lemon juice
1 cup heave cream

Melt the butter in a small saute pan. Then mix in the flour, brown sugar, and pecans. Spread mixture in a shallow baking pan. Bake at 350 degrees for about 20 minutes. Cool and then with a heavy rolling pin, roll out into crumbs.

Sprinkle about 2/3’s of the crumbs into a pretty 13 x 9 inch dish with a top.

In a heavy duty mixer, such as the KitchenAid Artisan Mixer, beat the egg whites, sugar, strawberries and lemon juice on high speed until stiff peaks form. Change or clean the beaters, and whip the heavy cream in another chilled bowl.

Fold the whipped cream into the strawberry mixture, and then spread dover the crumbs. Sprinkle the remaining crumbs over the top. Place the lid on the dish and freeze for at least 6 hours. This makes about 12 servings when cut into small squares.

In a crunch, you can make this with with thawed, frozen strawberries (unsweetened), or 3 cups of fresh peaches, or thawed, frozen peach slices (unsweetened).

Strawberries Romanoff

Glad to hear that you all have had some rain. Here in the Bluegrass we are actually at a mild drought condition. Many yards are quite brown. We have had to water all the flowers and gardens. They keep predicting showers, but not a drop has fallen in several weeks. We had the first fresh peas from the garden this week, and strawberries. Is there anything as delicious as a ripe strawberry eaten right in the strawberry patch? Heaven on earth it is.

Once you have satisfied the spring craving for bowls and handfuls of plain (plain?, there is nothing plain about a perfect fresh strawberry), you MUST try this Easy Strawberries Romanoff dessert.

Easy Strawberries Romanoff:

1 pint fresh strawberries
2 tablespoons Grand Marnier
2 tablespoons brandy
2 tablespoons sugar
1/2 pint heavy cream
6 scoops vanilla ice cream–slightly softened
Mint sprigs–optional

Slice about half of the larger strawberries and leave the rest whole. Reserve a few whole ones for garnish. Marinate the berries in the Grand Marnier, brandy and sugar. Chill in the refrigerator in a covered storage container for several hours. Resist the temptation to snack on the berries.

Whip the cream with a hand mixer. Right before serving, fold the strawberries, cream and softened ice cream together with a large spatula. Garnish with remaining whole berries and mint sprigs.

As the old Southern Belle who contributed this recipe wrote, “So pretty served in a cut glass bowl.” Frankly, my dear, this is pretty served in anything, but one of grandmother’s cut glass bowls does seem appropriate. This serves 8 delicate, lady sized servings, or 4 man sized servings.

You know, perhaps we ought to send this recipe to the Los Angeles Celebrity Correctional Facility. I’m sure it this dessert would be right at home with our heavy drinking celebs.

More Jailhouse Food

We’ve been on a web search here to find the worst Jailhouse recipes, and I think we have succeeded. Lasagna is nice and fattening, and this recipe is guaranteed to turn off even the most devoted Italian food lover. This is what my friends think should be served to Paris Hilton–not the gourmet meals we are sure are going to be sent in just for the delicate darling.

At Frackville prison in East Central Pennsylvania they serve a dish called “lasagna.” I’ve been lucky enough to discover what appears to be the recipe. The boss who runs the prison kitchen said he’s tasted it. He “found it fine.” Yes, he said, “fine!”

First off, forget lasagna noodles. Forget baking. Ignore the ricotta. Here’s the Frackville recipe.

· Boil up a few hundred pounds of rigatoni pasta, yes, rigatoni. Boil it until it’s good and soggy. A lot of salt helps.
· Dump in a few bottles of ketchup. The cheap stuff is best. Stir it up. A stick will do just fine.
· Throw in a few pounds of ground up turkey meat. Try to avoid as much of the green stuff as you can. That turkey-ham may work.
· If you can find any, add some cheese. Put in anything you happen to see lying around, Cheddar, Swiss, American, it doesn’t matter much. Just be careful not to use too much and scrape off any mold you notice.
· Cook the whole stew in a large kettle with a few hundred gallons of water.

The kitchen boss claims that “many inmates state it was very good; to make sure we do it the same next time.”

Just imagine what the rest of the food is like!

I have reproduced the recipe just as it is found on the web because the writer’s comments so mirror my own. Wouldn’t you love to see Paris’s expression if she encountered such a meal?

Even after three, or four of your Mandarin Orange Beach Cocktails, I’m not sure even I could stomach that Lasagna.

Paris Hilton Cocktail

Yes, Max, I can just see Paris at Summer Camp. Think she would know how to start a fire out in the woods? Or find her way through woods without a path? I don’t think so. Her skimpy shorts are just the thing to wear in tick infested woods.

Frankly, neither Paris nor Nicole Ritchie seem to be the Summer Camp types. I doubt that they went to real camp even as children. I envision both of them as preteens lounging by the pool working on that perfect tan in bathing suits that would make a string bikini blush.

In other words, the same things that they still do today. Relaxing by a private pool and sipping on a tall, cool drink. The drinks would be “girlie” types like what are served at luxury beach resorts. You know, pink, or yellow, or pale green with a fancy stirrer like the tiny umbrellas. Mandarin Orange Beach Cocktail is a perfect example.

One of these and you will be back on the black sand beaches in the Islands. Three of these and you will be in the slammer with Paris on your own DUI.

Mandarin Orange Beach Cocktail:

2 ounces of Absolut Mandrin Vodka
3 fresh strawberries
4 ounces of pink lemonade
1/4 of a fresh lime
2 or 3 sections of Mandarin Oranges–fresh if possible

In a blender, blend the lemonade, strawberries, and the Vodka. Blend until everything is a mush. Pour the Vodka mixture over a glass filled with finely crushed ice made with a ice crusher. Rub the rim of the glass with the lime and then slip the thick slice on the rim as a garnish. Add the Mandarin Orange sections to the drink. Use a fancy island type stirrer. Sip slowly. Then eat the orange sections as a chaser.

Party Chicken for the Picnic

Think I’ll pass on the Eggplant Dip Appetizer. We go for more basic things in our picnic baskets. You are right, though. The Sandringham Ratton/Bamboo Picnic Basket is the ultimate in picnic baskets up here in Iowa.

It was not a picnic when I was growing up without plenty of Fried Chicken. The day before a picnic outing was spent cooking, and that included huge skillets of Fried Chicken with the crispy coating. Here is an easier recipe that doesn’t require you to stand over a skillet of hot grease.

Mock Fried Chicken:

1/2 cup of dried crumbs
1 teaspoon paprikapinch of salt
dash of black pepper
1/4 teaspoon dried rosemary
1/4 teaspoon dried thyme
1/3 cup melted butter
1 egg beaten with a tablespoon of water
6 chicken thighs, or the equivalent in other parts

Melt the butter in a 350 degree oven in a large 9 x 13 casserole.

Mix the herbs, salt, and pepper with the crumbs. Dip the chicken in the egg, and then into the crumbs. Place skin side down in the melted butter. Bake, uncovered, at 375 degrees for 20 minutes. Turn the chicken over and continue baking for 40 minutes.

Eat at once, or chill in the fridge and take on the picnic the next day.