Pickled Fish

Know you all had a great trip to Virginia. How many cookbooks did you buy, and how many slips and seeds did you “liberate”?

While you were checking out the colonial kitchens, did you keep up with the news? Nicole Ritchie is off to jail on DUI, Britney Spears had a brawl with her mother, and Lindsay Lohan got picked up on DUI and possession of cocaine two days after leaving rehab. Says something about their rehabilitation program to have her back on alcohol and drugs two days after leaving the place. And Paris Hilton said now that she is 26, she is “getting her life back together” and launching a line of designer clothes. I hadn’t noticed that she ever wore many clothes.

Perhaps we should send your Cornmeal Mush recipe to the L.A. Jail that houses these delinquent females. I am sure none of them ever ate anything like it.

Better yet, sentence the spoiled darlings to a few weeks learning how to cook like the early settlers did. Can’t you just see Paris, Nicole, Lindsay, and Britney all dressed up in the quaint Colonial Williamsburg costumes, demonstrating hearth cooking for the visitors? I would pay just to see them trying to catch a chicken and wring its neck, and then plucking out the feathers and cleaning it before starting to cook it. It would be a lot like Paris and Nicole’s TV show, only not rehearsed and staged.

You were mentioning the fish diet at Jamestown yesterday, and I was looking through some of my colonial Virginia cookbooks when I came across this recipe for Pickled Fish. I have never tried it, but probably the early colonists used something like it. I will bet the earliest recipes were only vinegar, water, and salt. Those other spices would not have been available to many families.

Pickled Fish:

1 pint vinegar
1 pint water
Salt to taste
20 peppercorns
20 allspice
5 bay leaves
5 sliced onions
4 slices lemons

Put the vinegar, water, salt, peppercorns, allspice, bay leaves and 4 slices of onion in a large stockpot. Boil for 30 minutes. Add the lemon slices and remove them after 5 minutes. Simmer the fish in this liquid until you can pull out a fin. Cook only a few small fish or fillets of fish at a time.

Pack the fish in a stone crock with one or more slices of raw onions between the layers. Pour over the hot liquid when all fish are cooked.

Cover and keep in a cool place. After a few days the liquid will form a jelly around the fish. Will keep for several weeks.

This is enough liquid for a half gallon of fish.

Paris Seeks Inner Peace in Hawaii

Happy Fourth of July, Max! I’ll have to try your Maui Onion Pickle. Why does it have to take so long to taste the results? Yes, I know pickling is not a instant gratification thing. Still, a jar of those would go very nicely on a Fourth of July picnic. I actually have an instant pickle recipe (okay, it takes 24 hours) that I will send along as soon as I pull out my preserving cookbooks.

Ah, yes. Poor Paris is “getting in touch with her inner self” by enjoying herbal facials and Japanese massages. Question is: Does she have an “inner self” to get in touch with? I certainly haven’t seen any evidence of any kind of inner resolve, or “core values” as the Marines put it.

More likely, her family, or publicist, has sent her to a place without quite an many reporters where she can take advantage of all the free publicity by appearing in public with a big smile, and still be out of sight for her personal life. Has anyone recently gotten as much publicity out of a brief jail term?

This recipe could easily appear on the Hotel buffet for Paris. Hala-kahiki Pate was on a buffet we attended while in Hawaii some years ago, and I thought it is so cute. Pate, who but the rich would eat chicken livers and call it haute cuisine? The chef said that Hala-kahiki was Hawaiian for Pineapple, and I suppose he knew what he was talking about. Anyway, I didn’t have to ask for recipe, as it was nothing more than your basic pate, with Pineapple decorations. This does make a stunning display on a buffet table.

Hala-kahiki (Pineapple) Pate:

1 pound chicken livers
1 Maui onion
1 cup butter
3/4 teaspoon curry powder
3 ounces cream cheese
2 tablespoons brandy
Stuffed green olives, sliced
Fresh pineapple crown

Sauté the liver and onions in a pan with 1/4 cup of butter for 10 minutes. Add the curry powder, salt and pepper.

In a blender, process the livers with the remaining butter, cream cheese and brandy until very smooth. Mold into a shape that looks like the body of a pineapple. Cover and chill.

To serve, use the pineapple crown for the top of the pineapple and use the sliced green olives to simulate the rough exterior of a real pineapple.

Serve with mixed snack crackers as an appetizer or Pupu as the natives say.

Serves 1

Paris Hilton Escapes to Maui

Erma just heard on the radio that Paris Hilton is flying to Maui to recover from her “mind changing” experience in jail. How many other jailbirds can recover from spending their time in jail by taking a vacation on your family’s resort in beautiful, and expensive, Hawaii?

So much rehabilitation can occur while spending hours in the hotel spa, relaxing by the pools, and sunning on the private beaches. Throw in a little shopping, and gourmet dinners and voila, we have the return to sanity of a spoiled brat. Perhaps she can even work in her 40 hours of community service by making a promo ad extolling the benefits of a vacation, “in beautiful Maui.” What an ad campaign it could be: Maui, the Place to Recover and Get In Touch With Your Inner Self. There would be Paris, telling the world how she recovered from her dreadful ordeal by relaxing on Hawaii’s beaches. Of course, I’m not sure that it would exactly promote the tourist industry for the Islands. An ad campaign like that could backfire.

Better yet. Paris could make an ad for the Maui Onion Producers. Skimpily clad Paris is lying on the beach, munching on a big Maui Onion, and telling the world that one of the things that helped get her through those trying days in jail was the thought that once out she could indulge in her favorite vegetable snack, the fabled Maui Onion. Maui Onions are too wonderful in their own right to be hurt by an ad campaign like that.

I remember when we were in Hawaii, eating them just like an apple. Now true, I love onions in any shape, size, or form, but the Maui is the best for sweetness. The Pickled Maui Onion recipe below was given to me by a Hawaii native who served it as an appetizer. I have made it many times since with all kinds of onions and it is delicious.

Pickled Maui Onions:

1 quart of white vinegar
1 quart of water
1/3 cup rock salt, or canning salt
1/2 cup of sugar
3 large carrots
1 large green pepper
1 large red, sweet pepper
4 pounds Maui onions

With your Santoku Knife slice the carrots into thin slices. Slice both of the peppers into thin pieces. Slice the onions into thick rings and separate. Place all vegetables into a covered bowl, like the Pyrex Storage Bowls, cover with cold water and a tray of ice cubes. Refrigerate for several hours to crisp the vegetables.

In an enamel pot, like the KitchenAid Hard-Base Sauce Pan, bring the vinegar, water, salt and sugar to a full boil. Drain the vegetables in a colander. Fill large, quart or larger, canning jars or French canning jars with the vegetables and pour the boiling vinegar over them. Once the vegetables return to room temperature, seal the jars and store them in the refrigerator for a month before using.

Any kind of onion can be used, though the Maui and Vidalia’s make the sweetest pickle. For a yellow effect, add a 1/4 teaspoon of turmeric when boiling the vinegar.

Makes one gallon of pickle

Charleston Reception Punch–With and Without Spirits

Max, I can just see Paris Hilton with a bunch of bottles making up your Champagne Punch. Pop a cork here, pour a bottle there, and certainly sampling for quality control as she goes.

Here is the punch we used for Rachel’s wedding reception. How odd. It was also from an old Charleston, South Carolina cookbook. We made one bowl “With Spirits” and another “Without Spirits” to use the old fashioned terms that ladies once used for booze. Frankly, my dear, there is not much difference in taste. Of course, we added a bit of food coloring to match the bridesmaid’s dresses.

Charleston, South Carolina Reception Punch–With and Without Spirits For 100 Servings:

1 quart of frozen orange juice
3 quarts ice water
1 (6 ounce) can frozen lemon juice, or juice of 18 lemons
2 (No. 5) cans pineapple juice
4 quarts ginger ale
2 cups sugar, dissolved in 2 cups of water

Mix the orange juice, ice water, lemon juice, and pineapple juice. Taste and add the sugar water if you want a sweeter punch.

When ready to serve pour half of the mixture over a lump if ice in a large punch bowl and then pour over 2 quarts of the ginger ale. Replenish as necessary.

If, to use an old Charleston phrase, you wish a punch “with spirits”, omit the sugar and substitute alcoholic beverages for the pineapple juice, about 4 quarts worth.

Makes 100 servings.

Now in old Charleston this would have made 100 servings, but with our friend Paris, someway I think you would have to cut that down considerably. She doesn’t strike me as the type to pour tiny cups of punch

Long Live Ham Biscuits!

Max, we all have Senior Moments, Minutes, Hours, and sometimes Days. Unfortunately, they seem to be happening more and more often. Of course, you sent me the Parmesan Salad Dressing recipe.

Ah, yes, the Finger Sandwich. Staple at every tea and wedding reception of our youth.

You are right. I checked some of my cookbooks. The mandatory first chapter on teas and receptions did disappear in the ’70’s. When the Hippies became fashionable, ladies’ teas went out the window. Along with culture, refinement, and a few other things.

Just had an idea for a wildly popular Reality Show. We collect the Rosie O’Donnell’s, the Paris Hiltons and friends, and a collection of red neck trailer trash, and we try and turn them into proper ladies. Can’t you see an Emily Post type trying to teach them to make and serve Finger Sandwiches? Martha Stewart would make a good hostess for this show. I’ll bet she could whip even Paris Hilton into Miss Manners. Rosie O’Donnell? Maybe. There isn’t much there to work with. Could be great fun.

Of course any tea or reception of that era was not complete, at least here in the South, without Ham Biscuits. By the way, there still appear on many buffet tables. They were one of the finger foods that we had at Rachel’s Reception.

Ham Biscuits:

Make or buy small Parker House Rolls in the number you need. Purchase thinly sliced deli ham if you don’t want to mess with cooking and slicing a full ham. Split the rolls, and cut the ham so that there are several layers on ham on each biscuit. Some cooks spread on a little mayonnaise or spicy mustard, but traditionally these were nothing but ham and roll. They were usually served cold, or room temperature.

Originally, I am sure, Baking Powder Biscuits were used instead of rolls. When serving a crowd, the purchased rolls were simply easier. If made with real biscuits, the Ham Biscuits can be reheated in the microwave just before serving

Rosie O’Donnell for Bob Barker?

Rosie O’Donnell replacing Bob Barker? Give me a break, Max. Paris Hilton would be better. At least Paris could stand up on stage in her almost undress and look attractive. You are right, that would be the end of the program. On what planet do some of these TV producers live? The country has 300 million people, and Rosie O’Donnell is all they can come up with to replace Bob Barker? Hollywood alone must have thousands of personalities who could make good hosts. Sure, it is going to be hard to replace him, but not with that. What contestant is going to jump up and down and give HER a big hug and kiss?

Since we’re talking salads for a mob, I’ll send you my latest large-scale salad dressing. Everyone needs a recipe that makes 3 gallons.

Parmesan Salad Dressing for a Crowd:

5 quarts buttermilk
4 quarts mayonnaise
64 ounces of sour cream
3 pounds grated Parmesan cheese
1 cup Worcestershire sauce
1 cup chives, or green onions
1/2 cup of parsley
3 tablespoons ground mustard
3 tablespoons garlic
1 tablespoon salt
1 tablespoon pepper

Grate the garlic cloves with a garlic mincer. With a food processor mince the chives or green onions with the tops until they are finely minced. Remove and process the parsley to nearly a paste. This is to provide a faint green color for the dressing.

In a huge mixing bowl, like the KitchenAid 4-1/2 Qt. Mixer Bowl, stir all carefully until it is completely blended. Pour into covered containers like the Pyrex Storage Containers and refrigerate.

Makes 3 gallons of dressing

A Paris Hilton Cake for Her Jail House Tea

Max, you have missed your calling in life: Shrink to the Stars. First, you diagnose Paris without even talking to her, and then you come up with a “cure” like Paris “rehabilitating her fellow criminals” by teaching them the proper way to conduct a High Tea.

Flaw with your plan, dear. It assumes that Paris herself knows how to lay out a proper Tea. If she did not graduate high school, and she goes around wearing little in the way of clothes, it is unlikely that she bothered to learn how to Preside at Tea. Can’t you imagine Paris, Nicole Ritchie, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears, all in dresses and white gloves, sitting around Paris’ jail cell sipping tea that Paris is pouring from her silver tea service? The conversation? Certainly not of attending the Flower Show next week!

Perfect for that crew is Wild Turkey Bourbon Chocolate Cake.

True, the alcohol disappears when it is cooked, but there is nothing to keep one from sprinkling a little extra over the cake after it cools. If you are a Paris Hilton type, you know that you can’t trust even a well-known brand like Wild Turkey, so you will need to test the bottle before using it. It often takes several drinks to determine if the proof is what the distillery says it is.

For a High Tea, presentation is everything. This cake should be sitting on a tall cut glass cake plate and cut with a silver cake knife. The pieces are supposed to be quite small, although jailhouse gals probably would demand huge pieces, and topped with fresh raspberries.

Erma’s Egg Tip: While cookbooks sometimes remind the cook to have eggs at room temperature before beating, most of us forget to take the eggs out of the fridge long before we begin to bake. So, when you forget, simply place the eggs in a large bowl and run hot water straight out of the tap over them for a few minutes. By the time you have the rest of the ingredients ready to mix, the eggs should be at room temperature.

Not only do room temp eggs whip up much higher, they separate much easier. You don’t believe me? Try separating and beating a cold egg, and then compare it with a room temp egg. You won’t believe the difference.

Wild Turkey Bourbon Chocolate Cake:

2 tablespoons butter
6 ounces chocolate
pinch of salt
8 eggs, separated
3/4 cup of sugar
2 tablespoons sugar
2 cups pecans ground in a nut grater
2 tablespoons Wild Turkey Bourbon
pinch of cream of tartar

Butter and flour a 10-inch cake pan, and preheat the oven to 375 degrees.

In a double broiler, place the butter, chocolate and salt in the bowl and stir until the chocolate melts.

With a stand mixer beat the egg yolks and 3/4 cup of sugar until the mixture is a pale gold color. Stir in the slightly cooled chocolate mixture, the pecans, and the bourbon.

In your large mixer bowl, beat the egg whites and cream of tartar until soft peaks form. Add the 2 tablespoons of sugar and continue beating until the whites are stiff, but not dry.

Fold in with a spatula about a third of the egg whites to lighten the batter. Then fold in the remaining whites until the batter is smooth. Pour into the prepared pan and bake for 45 to 55 minutes. Test the center with a skewer until the skewer comes out clean. Set cake pan on a cooling rack.

After the cake has cooled, unmold the cake and store in a covered cake storage container.

Serve this cake plain with fresh fruit such as peaches, raspberries, or strawberries, or dust with confectioner’s sugar. Or pour over some white chocolate or raspberry syrup. And don’t forget to sprinkle on a bit of extra bourbon.

Another Cookie for Paris’ Care Package

I just remembered another bar type cookie that would be perfect to include in our Care Package to Paris Hilton. It is British in origin, which is so IN with the upper crust, and it came from California, home to Paris and assorted other kooks. This really is the sort of thing that should be served on a Spode plate at a High Tea. Surely they have High Tea in the L.A. Jail? If not, Paris could introduce the custom to her fellow inmates.

Isn’t that a vision? A group of convicted felons convening at 4:00 to sit down for genteel conversation and a cup of tea? For part of their craft and rehabilitation time they could learn how to crochet lace edges on napkins and tea sets. Perhaps one of the reasons they are in jail now is because they did not learn how to properly pour at tea.

Orange Marmalade Bars:

1 cup orange marmalade
1/2 cup chopped pecans
1/2 cup flaked coconut
1/2 butter
1 cup brown sugar
1 egg
2 tablespoons orange juice
1 1/2 cup flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
dash salt
1 cup quick-cooking rolled oats
Orange Confectioners Frosting (recipe follows)

Mix marmalade, nuts and coconut in a small bowl.

In a stand mixer, beat the brown sugar and butter until it is light and fluffy. Beat in the orange juice and egg.

Mix flour, baking powder, baking soda and salt in a mixing bowl. Beat flour into the creamed mixture. Fold in the rolled oats with a spatula. In a well-greased 13 x 9 inch baking pan, spread half of the dough. Drop teaspoonfuls of the marmalade mixture over the dough and carefully spread so that the marmalade completely covers the dough. Carefully spread the remaining dough over the marmalade. A good wide spatula, such as the KitchenAid Spatula in this utensil set, is best for this.

Bake in a preheated 350 degree over for 33 to 38 minutes. Frost with Orange Confectioners Frosting while the bars are still slightly warm. You want the Frosting to slightly melt into the bars. Cool completely in the pan and then cut into 3 x 1 inch bars. Makes about 40.

Orange Confectioners Frosting:

1 1/2 cups confectioners sugar
2 tablespoons soft butter
2 to 3 tablespoons orange juice.

Beat all well in a mixer.

Cookie Deprivation Syndrome is Cause of Paris Hilton’s DUI’s

Doctor Maxine has discovered why Paris Hilton is in trouble? The good doctor (without even talking to the patient yet) has analyzed Paris as suffering from Cookie Deprivation Syndrome. This little known syndrome is common in the upper classes, and the results are disastrous. She did not have cookies as a child so now she is seeking relief in a bottle? Her DUI’s are a desperate cry for help!! With this stunning insight into the psyche of Paris Hilton, you are ready for a round on the morning talk shows. Have you discussed this theory yet with Dr. Phil? Why, this could be a Best Selling Book. At the very least, this deserves a seminar at the American Psychological Association annual meeting. As nutty as some of their theories are, you would probably get Cookie Deprivation Syndrome listed as a recognized mental problem. No, they would not say “problem,” it is aberration or some such watered down term for “all messed up.”

My husband would add to Cookie Deprivation Syndrome, the Meat Deprivation Syndrome. The man thinks that if there is not meat on the table with every meal, it is not a meal. He says the symptoms of the Syndrome are weak, listless behavior; lack of ability to do even the most simple household chores; and a fierce craving for anything might be classed as an animal. Fortunately M.D.S is easily cured with a 12-ounce steak, or a whole chicken, or a large cut of pork.

Chinese Roast Pork Strips are a sure cure for an attack of M.D.S. And you will notice that in keeping with my image of never cooking anything without some alcohol, it has a bit of sherry in the marinade.

Chinese Roast Pork Strips: (serves 4)

3 pound boneless pork tenderloin in one piece

Marinade:

1 teaspoon fresh ginger
2 cloves of garlic
3 tablespoons hoisin sauce
4 tablespoon dark soy sauce
1 tablespoon sherry
1 teaspoon sugar
Salt to taste–With the soy sauce this really isn’t necessary

Make up the marinade by mincing the garlic with a press, mincing the ginger with a grater, and then mixing all together in a shallow, non-metal casserole or baking dish.

Cut the pork tenderloin lengthwise into four or more long strips about 1 1/2 inches in diameter. Place the pork strips in the marinade, coat on both sides and set aside for 4 to 6 hours. Turn occasionally. Save the Marinade to baste the meat while cooking.

Grill for about an hour 3 to 4 inches from the fire on a charcoal grill, or bake or broil in the oven. Every 15 minutes baste the meat with a basting brush, and turn with tongs. Do not use a fork as this lets the juices out of the meat. The edges of the meat should be crisp and brown.

To serve, slice the pork strips into 1/4 inch slices. Serve with rice and salad.

This is an excellent Marinade for any pork, or chicken Chinese style stir-fry dish.

If you are grilling some vegetables like onions, squash, or asparagus at the same time as the pork, try brushing a little Marinade on them as well.

Cookies for the Care Package

Well, Erma, I see that you are still trying to extend Paris’ jail stay by teaching her to include alcohol in all your suggested recipes. I remember the No-Knead-To-Rise Beer Bread recipe very well. We thought it was so chic and daring. Who would ever have thought that you could make bread so easily? And without yeast and kneading? And with beer which our mothers told us proper young ladies did not drink?.

Now, if I were going to send Paris a Care Package, I would include some nice cookies for her to snack on. Can’t you see the Parents Hilton arriving at the jail with a cardboard box, or as is more likely in their case, with a fancy napkin lined basket, filled with cookies and snacks? Each cookie individually wrapped in colored plastic wrap and tied with a little bow? There would be a few fancy fruits and several bottles of expensive, imported water (you know that Paris could not possibly drink the water right out of the tap), and some tins from Harrods in London.

Speaking of which, did you hear that the Hiltons do not have to wait in line with the rest of the families of prisoners? They go straight to the front of the line and into the jail. And they say that money does not talk? Do these people (both Hiltons and jailers) have a clue about the resentment the public feels at this sort of preferential treatment? It isn’t just what they are doing, it is the surprise that there are people out there who object to their actions. Do they live in such a sheltered world that they have no idea of what real people do and think?

Perhaps a part of the problem is that Paris had a stage mother who pushed her daughter into a movie career. I heard last night that the girl did not even graduate high school! Now it is sad that with all the Hilton money, they could not even buy her a diploma from some private school. The Parents Hilton should have watched the movie, “Making The Grade.” In it a wealthy boy has to graduate high school or lose his trust fund so he hires someone to pretend to be himself and finish his lst year of school. It is really funny, and funny we need today.

I am going to play amateur shrink. Paris Hilton’s problem is that she did not have a normal childhood. I will bet that not once in her school years did she come home to find Mother Hilton in the kitchen pulling out a sheet of homemade cookies.

I can’t begin to count the times that I came home to find hot Childhood Butterscotch Refrigerator Cookies sitting on the kitchen table. The most awful school day became bearable with one of these. The funny part is that it was years before I discovered that my mother was not taking an hour or so every day to bake these cookies just for me. She always kept a dozen or so rolls of the cookie dough stored away in the freezer so all she had to do was grab a roll, slice it into thin cookies while the oven heated, and in a matter of minutes there would be fresh cookies.

If fifteen years ago Mother Hilton had made Paris some of these cookies, she might not be visiting her daughter in jail today.

Childhood Butterscotch Refrigerator Cookies:

3 1/2 cups flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 cup solid shortening
1/2 cup butter
2 cups brown sugar
2 eggs, room temperature and well beaten
2 tablespoons warm water
1 teaspoon vanilla

In a small bowl, mix the flour, salt, cinnamon and soda. Cream the shortening and butter with a retro green mixer. After all this is the 1950’s and we want to preserve the ambiance. Gradually add the sugar and beat until light. Add the eggs, water and vanilla and mix well.

Heaping tablespoon at a time, add the flour mixture until blended well.

Lay out sheets of waxed paper and with your hands and a spatula, shape the dough into 2 inch diameter rolls. Wrap the rolls tightly in the waxed paper and chill at least overnight. When ready to bake, cut the rolls into 1/8 inch slices that are placed at least 1 1/2 inches apart on an ungreased cookie sheet. The deluxe cookie sheet with its superior baking design produces a uniformly baked cookie. Because of their excellent design, you may find that the cooking time is reduced slightly. Bake at 400 degrees 10 to 12 minutes. Watch carefully.

Let the cookies sit for a minute or two on the sheet before removing to a cooling rack. This makes about 6 dozen cookies. Store in a tight container or cookie jar.

This is a really versatile recipe. You can add a cup of nuts, or chocolate chips, or coconut to change the texture and taste. The dough holds well for at least a week in the fridge so you can make it up at your leisure, and bake a batch in minutes. You can also freeze the dough for several months. Store the rolls of dough in a large zip lock freezer bag to avoid freezer burn. Simply give the dough enough time to soften enough to cut with a serrated knife. It doesn’t have totally thaw. A microwave comes in handy here.

The smell is “Mother Loves You and Is Baking You Fresh Cookies Today.” This brings back memories of Mom in the kitchen wearing her apron taking out a tray of fresh baked cookies just as you came in the door from school. Talk about nostalgia.

News Flash from L.A.

Max, Breaking News Flash!! It was reported minutes ago (9:45 EST) that Paris Hilton was moved last night back in the “special needs unit” of the Los Angeles jail. She had been undergoing psychiatric evaluations for an, “undisclosed medical condition.” “Undisclosed medical condition.” Could that be like Alcohol Withdrawal, Fear of Being Around Normal Jail Prisoners, or Just Plain Spoiled?

Paris Can Have Her Beer and Make Bread Too

In the old days, prisoners were put on diets of bread and water, something that I think is too good for Miss Moneybags. Then I remembered a bread that is perfect for Paris Hilton. We used to fix it decades ago back in California because it is nearly foolproof, and heaven knows I needed foolproof recipes back then. With only four ingredients, no kneading, and no yeast to proof and rise, how much easier can a loaf of bread be?

The first time I had this bread, it was made by a Santa Barbara Junior League member who was as lacking in culinary skills as I was. She was creating a reputation as a great cook because she “bakes her own bread.”

Why, even Paris and her friends, who do not strike me as the kind to spend too much time in a kitchen baking goodies, could make this bread. Only in their case, the recipe should be altered to begin as, “Take a six pack of beer out of the refrigerator. Drink 5 of the beers while you hunt down the loaf pan and find the ingredients for the bread. Be sure and save ONE of the beers for the bread. If you forget and drink all six in the pack, you have to start over with a new six pack. By this time, you won’t want to try and turn on an oven anyway.”

No-Knead-To-Rise Beer Bread:

2 cups self-rising flour
3 tablespoons sugar
1 can beer (12-14 oz)
1 stick of butter, melted

Place the flour, sugar and beer in a mixing bowl and stir with a spoon for about 2 minutes. Pour into a greased loaf pan. Bake in a preheated 350 degree oven for 30 minutes. Remove loaf from the oven and pour the melted butter over the bread. Return the bread to the oven and bake for about 30 minutes longer. If the top is browning too fast, place an aluminum foil tent over the bread the final 15 minutes of baking.

This bread is best eaten warm with some cheese and a tall German Pilsner. You are SUPPOSED to save the remaining 5 beers in the six-pack to serve to your friends with the bread. Of course, if you are Paris, or Nicole Ritchie, or Lindsay Lohan, or even Mel Gibson, you will probably use the alternative recipe. The alternative recipe is called “No Need To Rise Off The Floor” as that is what happens if you follow it. Like the pun?

Teen Party Treat

Well, Erma, now that we finally seem to have put poor Paris to jail for a while, let us hope that the news hounds can find another story to run. Of course, when Paris eats your Care Package Mai Tai Pie, she will probably be held over for breaking jail rules and drinking while in the tank.

It was interesting last night to hear some teens give their opinions of Paris and her behavior. To a person, they all thought exactly the way we old fogies do, namely that she is a disgrace.

One of the girl’s brought over this dip for the party last night. It has been around a couple of years and the boys devour it. This is one of those dishes that probably wouldn’t have been made frequently back before food processors were common. Look at all that chopping. How did we live without food processors? Being almost a pizza, which seems to be THE favorite teen food, you can’t miss if you serve this dip at a teen gathering.

Pepperoni Pizza Spread Made Super Easy with a Food Processor:

2 cups of mozzarella cheese
2 cups cheddar cheese
1 cup mayonnaise
1 cup chopped pepperoni
1 small can mushroom stems and pieces, drained
1/2 cup onion
1/2 cup green pepper
1 can (6 oz.) black olives
1 cup stuffed green olives
Dipping chips, assorted crackers, breadsticks

In your food processor, shred the cheeses, chop the pepperoni, mushroom pieces, onion, green pepper, and olives individually. Think of how much time you are saving instead of individually chopping each of these ingredients. Mix everything but the dippers and place in a 11 x 7 inch baking casserole. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes at 350 degrees until the top is lightly browned and edges are bubbly. This makes about 6 cups and is so popular with teens that you will probably want to make two.

Camping Trip

Gracious, Erma, do you want to get poor Paris in even more trouble with the law? When that Mai Tai Pie arrives at the jail, some deputy will catch a whiff of it and confiscate it. Paris will never see that Pie as it will become some jailers coffee break treat.

We have sort of lost touch of the Hollywood Frenzy as we went camping over on the lake this weekend. You know, it is actually refreshing to spend a few days without any news. We can’t do a single thing about the news, and hearing the news days later sort of puts things in perspective.

Now if Paris and her family had taken the time to camp out on a lakeshore and come to love nature, she might not be the spoiled girl she is. There is more to life that mansions in Beverly Hills, and clothes closets the size of living rooms. Yes, I saw the pictures of Paris’ walk-in closet. My question is why does she need a closet that huge? Most of the time I see her she is wearing almost nothing. How much space does a wardrobe of almost nothing need?

Saturday night we grilled chicken, corn on the cob, and Girl Scout Potatoes in Foil for dinner. Think back to our old green Girl Scout Guidebook. Wasn’t this recipe in there, right next to Smores? In my memory it certainly was. I think we had Potatoes in Foil at our first overnight camping trip as Brownies. We would have been, what, maybe seven?

Certainly over the years of camping trips and cookouts, I have fixed this recipe hundreds of times and it is still good.

Tell me, Erma, were you a Girl Scout? I do have trouble imagining you out there in the woods, but then I remember trying to keep up with you on trips up into the Sierras.

Girl Scout Potatoes in Foil:

For each serving, lay out about a 12 to 18 inch piece of heavy duty aluminum foil (or several thickness’ of regular foil). Cut 2 pieces of thick bacon in half. Lay two of the pieces in the middle of the foil. Slice half of a medium potato thinly on top of the bacon. Leave the skin on if you wish. Lay a thick slice of onion, separated into rings on top of the onion. Sprinkle with seasoned salt and a small pat of butter. Slice the rest of the potato and another slice of onion in rings. Sprinkle with seasoned salt and top with the remaining two pieces of bacon. Wrap into a tight foil package.

These can be roasted on the grill for about an hour (to cut down grill time, bake in a hot oven for 20 to 30 minutes and finish on the grill), or bake completely in the oven for about an hour, or the way we did them as Girl Scouts: Place the packages directly in the hot coals of a campfire and let them cook for about an hour.

A good side for this is Corn on the Cob that is also foil roasted. As kids, we would go out to the field and pick some ears of field corn–which isn’t tender enough to eat except for a week or so–which we took off the husk and silks and slathered well with butter, salt and pepper and wrapped in several layers of foil. These we placed directly in the coals as well. They would come out crusty and sometimes a little blackened, but that way you didn’t care that the corn wasn’t very tender.

A Care Package Present for Paris

I declare Max, you have the most incredible ideas about me. After all these years, haven’t you learned that Southern women are hard as nails? Did you not watch Steel Magnolias? My dear, all of us Southern Belles grew up knowing that behind every sweet little facade of helpless womanhood was a female completely capable of killing. We just inherited the genes of generations of women who had learned the easier way to survive and get our way. Scrooge McDuck was exactly right: “Work smarter, not harder.”

The pity is that Paris Hilton has not learned this valuable lesson. You would think that with all her money and social position, someone would have taken the poor girl aside and explained the Facts Of Life to her. You can be as silly as you want, but do not break society’s rules and expect any sympathy from the masses. The masses of Americans have this strange attitude that the rules they have to follow are the same rules that EVERYONE is supposed to obey. No doubt in the rarified surrounds of Hollywood and Beverly Hills, some celebrities have been lead to believe that they are above the law, but that does not mean that those of us out in the Great Fly Over States or the Bible Belt happen to share their twisted logic.

Okay, Old Law and Order Erma has been rather hard on poor little Paris, so to make up for all the less than nice things that I have said about the spoiled baby, I have decided to sent her a Care Package. It is a Tropical Mai Tai Pie–comfort food for her kind–and will supply a much needed alcohol fix to the booze hound. Perhaps I will send a few island decorations along with it so she can brighten up that bare cell; however, after a couple of slices of this pie, Paris won’t even notice the sterile environment.

Tropical Mai Tai Pie:

Filling:

1 package cream cheese, room temperature (8 oz.)
1 can sweetened condensed milk (14 oz.)
1 can frozen orange juice, thawed (6 oz)
2 teaspoons orange-flavored liqueur
1/3 cup light rum
1 container frozen whipped nondairy topping, thawed (4 or 5 oz)
Toasted coconut

In a mixer, beat the cream cheese until very fluffy. Add the condensed milk and orange juice and again beat until smooth. Stir in the rum and orange liqueur with a large mixing spoon. Finally fold in with a heavy duty spatula the whipped topping. Pour into the crust and refrigerate for at least 5 hours until firm. Garnish with toasted coconut at serving time.
If you have a pie pan with a storage cover, this is the perfect place to use it.

Crust:

2 cups flaked coconut
1/4 cup butter

Melt the butter in a small sauce pan. Mix the coconut and melted butter in a small bowl, then press mixture on the bottom and sides of a 9-inch pie pan. Bake in a 300 degree oven for 20 to 25 minutes. Cool before adding the filling.

A Graham Cracker Crust is another possibility. A regular pre baked pie crust could be used if the pie is to be eaten the same day as the filling will tend to soften a regular pie crust.

Paris Hilton Outrage

So much for your image as the sweet, brainless Southern Belle, Erma–not that I haven’t known it for thirty years. When we first met, people used to say, “Isn’t Erma the sweetest thing? But, you know, she hasn’t a brain in her head. She just gets along by batting those baby blue eyes and looking helpless. And that drawl? Surely not even in the deep South do girls still talk that way.”

I wasn’t fooled for very long. It was evident that behind that charming smile, there was a clever and conniving woman. I think the first time I realized it was when we were working on a luncheon for the Republican Women’s Club in Ventura County. All the rest of us younger wives were assigned the jobs like decorating the tables, and providing the food. You were given the difficult task of having everyone sign in at the door. I was sweating like a pig arranging the buffet table, and there you sat in your pink silk suit and matching hat telling the guests to please sign the Guest Book. After all, as one of the Powers-That-Be explained to us peons at the buffet table, that is all that poor little Erma can do. She just isn’t cut out for hard work.

I suspected the ditzy Southern girl thing was mostly an act, and then one day you confirmed it when you told me that you were a firm believer in Scrooge McDuck’s philosophy: Work smarter, not harder. The “smarter” girl was greeting the guests, the “dumber” girls were serving the food.

So, here you are right in the middle of another one of your pickled fruit desserts–ladies with coin silver spoons? Erma, not even in your youth were ladies sitting around on verandas nibbling on Strawberries Armagnac, were they?

By the way, ditzy blonde you didn’t finish the recipe. Anyway there you were raiding the liquor store for this dessert and suddenly you start in on the Paris Hilton Outrage. Have you no sympathy for a fellow ditzy blonde with big baby blue eyes?

Oh, no. Darling little Erma wants to send that girl straight to the Big House. Make her serve every single minute of her sentence. Hard line Law and Order Erma you are. I certainly wouldn’t want to have you as my judge. There you would sit at the bench, with a pink lace ruffle on your black robe, smiling sweetly. “Miss Hilton,” you would drawl, “This court finds you-all guilty of all charges, and sentences you-all to the maximum jail term allowed by law (that is la-aw, two syllables). In the future, ah trust that you-all will not be drinkin’ and drivin’ at the same time. Come before mah court again and Ah will sentence you-all to the chain gang.”

P.S., Law and Order Erma, please send the rest of that recipe, so far I have sherry, port and armagnac brandy. Think Paris Hilton drinks this dessert?

Strawberries Armagnac

Max dear, I just remembered another easy and delightful strawberry dessert: Strawberries Armagnac. Yes, it is another one of those old Southern (Alabama, I think) recipes that is heavy on the booze. Think magnolias in bloom, white wicker furniture on the veranda, a soft Southern breeze, and ladies in big, flowered hats sipping this dessert with antique coin silver spoons.

Strawberries Armagnac:

4 ounces sherry
4 ounces port
2 ounces armagnac

Breaking News Flash!

Max, Tom just came home for lunch and he heard the most incredible Paris Hilton update. Just when I thought no one could top last night’s story on releasing that girl from jail after a few days because, “she had panic attacks,” here comes the news that the judge has ordered her back in court and won’t let her have a phone hearing.

What has the world of justice come to? First, some sherrif takes it upon himself to release a sentenced prisioner after 3 days, and then the poor baby is given an ankle bracelet and told to remain in her four bedroom mansion to complete her jail time. Such a hardship that must be. Family and friends are free to visit. She has a pool. No doubt she has servants to take care of her. What kind of punishment is that?

Confine me to my house for 40 days, and call it punishment? Come on now!

Justice is blind they say. Well, Lady Justice must be crying into her eye covering over this one. If I were an attorney, the next time one of my clients is sentenced to jail, I would make sure they had a “Panic Attack” and demand that the be given home incarceration. What a farce! That sherrif had better hope that the Hilton’s are going to provide him with a job and income because I think the public outrage is going to force him out of office. Fast!!

Sherrifs here are elected, and I suppose that they are in California too. Imagine running for re-election with this scandel on your public record? I can’t believe that the public, let alone the sentencing judge, is going to stand for this.

I hope the judge orders Paris right back to jail to serve her full sentence, and if it can be proven that a bribe was offered that they take down the whole sleazy bunch.

Well, I must run, I’ll finish this tomorrow!

Strawberry Delight

Erma, do you have ANY recipes that are not alcohol laden? I remember you telling me about your teetottling grandmothers and great aunts who believed that No lady would ever be caught drinking, yet nearly all their recipes seem to start with, “Go to the liquor cabinet and pick up several bottles of ___.”

Let’s face it, Erma, if your family’s recipes are any indication of the alcohol consumption of the female population of the Old South, they didn’t have to “drink.” The desserts alone would have brought pink to their cheeks.

Erma, if Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Nicole Ritchie and the other Hollywood spoiled brats are going to serve time for multiple DUI’s, not even the Celebrity Jail is going to put your Strawberries Romanoff on the menu, but I’ll bet they all would love it. On the other hand, this “Hot weather refresher” is elegant enough for the picky celebs, AND is not packed with alcohol.

Strawberry Delight:

1 cup flour
1/4 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup pecans
1/2 cup butter
2 egg whites
1 cup sugar
3 cups fresh strawberries
2 teaspoons lemon juice
1 cup heave cream

Melt the butter in a small saute pan. Then mix in the flour, brown sugar, and pecans. Spread mixture in a shallow baking pan. Bake at 350 degrees for about 20 minutes. Cool and then with a heavy rolling pin, roll out into crumbs.

Sprinkle about 2/3’s of the crumbs into a pretty 13 x 9 inch dish with a top.

In a heavy duty mixer, such as the KitchenAid Artisan Mixer, beat the egg whites, sugar, strawberries and lemon juice on high speed until stiff peaks form. Change or clean the beaters, and whip the heavy cream in another chilled bowl.

Fold the whipped cream into the strawberry mixture, and then spread dover the crumbs. Sprinkle the remaining crumbs over the top. Place the lid on the dish and freeze for at least 6 hours. This makes about 12 servings when cut into small squares.

In a crunch, you can make this with with thawed, frozen strawberries (unsweetened), or 3 cups of fresh peaches, or thawed, frozen peach slices (unsweetened).

More Jailhouse Food

We’ve been on a web search here to find the worst Jailhouse recipes, and I think we have succeeded. Lasagna is nice and fattening, and this recipe is guaranteed to turn off even the most devoted Italian food lover. This is what my friends think should be served to Paris Hilton–not the gourmet meals we are sure are going to be sent in just for the delicate darling.

At Frackville prison in East Central Pennsylvania they serve a dish called “lasagna.” I’ve been lucky enough to discover what appears to be the recipe. The boss who runs the prison kitchen said he’s tasted it. He “found it fine.” Yes, he said, “fine!”

First off, forget lasagna noodles. Forget baking. Ignore the ricotta. Here’s the Frackville recipe.

· Boil up a few hundred pounds of rigatoni pasta, yes, rigatoni. Boil it until it’s good and soggy. A lot of salt helps.
· Dump in a few bottles of ketchup. The cheap stuff is best. Stir it up. A stick will do just fine.
· Throw in a few pounds of ground up turkey meat. Try to avoid as much of the green stuff as you can. That turkey-ham may work.
· If you can find any, add some cheese. Put in anything you happen to see lying around, Cheddar, Swiss, American, it doesn’t matter much. Just be careful not to use too much and scrape off any mold you notice.
· Cook the whole stew in a large kettle with a few hundred gallons of water.

The kitchen boss claims that “many inmates state it was very good; to make sure we do it the same next time.”

Just imagine what the rest of the food is like!

I have reproduced the recipe just as it is found on the web because the writer’s comments so mirror my own. Wouldn’t you love to see Paris’s expression if she encountered such a meal?

Even after three, or four of your Mandarin Orange Beach Cocktails, I’m not sure even I could stomach that Lasagna.

Paris Hilton Cocktail

Yes, Max, I can just see Paris at Summer Camp. Think she would know how to start a fire out in the woods? Or find her way through woods without a path? I don’t think so. Her skimpy shorts are just the thing to wear in tick infested woods.

Frankly, neither Paris nor Nicole Ritchie seem to be the Summer Camp types. I doubt that they went to real camp even as children. I envision both of them as preteens lounging by the pool working on that perfect tan in bathing suits that would make a string bikini blush.

In other words, the same things that they still do today. Relaxing by a private pool and sipping on a tall, cool drink. The drinks would be “girlie” types like what are served at luxury beach resorts. You know, pink, or yellow, or pale green with a fancy stirrer like the tiny umbrellas. Mandarin Orange Beach Cocktail is a perfect example.

One of these and you will be back on the black sand beaches in the Islands. Three of these and you will be in the slammer with Paris on your own DUI.

Mandarin Orange Beach Cocktail:

2 ounces of Absolut Mandrin Vodka
3 fresh strawberries
4 ounces of pink lemonade
1/4 of a fresh lime
2 or 3 sections of Mandarin Oranges–fresh if possible

In a blender, blend the lemonade, strawberries, and the Vodka. Blend until everything is a mush. Pour the Vodka mixture over a glass filled with finely crushed ice made with a ice crusher. Rub the rim of the glass with the lime and then slip the thick slice on the rim as a garnish. Add the Mandarin Orange sections to the drink. Use a fancy island type stirrer. Sip slowly. Then eat the orange sections as a chaser.