A Care Package Present for Paris

I declare Max, you have the most incredible ideas about me. After all these years, haven’t you learned that Southern women are hard as nails? Did you not watch Steel Magnolias? My dear, all of us Southern Belles grew up knowing that behind every sweet little facade of helpless womanhood was a female completely capable of killing. We just inherited the genes of generations of women who had learned the easier way to survive and get our way. Scrooge McDuck was exactly right: “Work smarter, not harder.”

The pity is that Paris Hilton has not learned this valuable lesson. You would think that with all her money and social position, someone would have taken the poor girl aside and explained the Facts Of Life to her. You can be as silly as you want, but do not break society’s rules and expect any sympathy from the masses. The masses of Americans have this strange attitude that the rules they have to follow are the same rules that EVERYONE is supposed to obey. No doubt in the rarified surrounds of Hollywood and Beverly Hills, some celebrities have been lead to believe that they are above the law, but that does not mean that those of us out in the Great Fly Over States or the Bible Belt happen to share their twisted logic.

Okay, Old Law and Order Erma has been rather hard on poor little Paris, so to make up for all the less than nice things that I have said about the spoiled baby, I have decided to sent her a Care Package. It is a Tropical Mai Tai Pie–comfort food for her kind–and will supply a much needed alcohol fix to the booze hound. Perhaps I will send a few island decorations along with it so she can brighten up that bare cell; however, after a couple of slices of this pie, Paris won’t even notice the sterile environment.

Tropical Mai Tai Pie:

Filling:

1 package cream cheese, room temperature (8 oz.)
1 can sweetened condensed milk (14 oz.)
1 can frozen orange juice, thawed (6 oz)
2 teaspoons orange-flavored liqueur
1/3 cup light rum
1 container frozen whipped nondairy topping, thawed (4 or 5 oz)
Toasted coconut

In a mixer, beat the cream cheese until very fluffy. Add the condensed milk and orange juice and again beat until smooth. Stir in the rum and orange liqueur with a large mixing spoon. Finally fold in with a heavy duty spatula the whipped topping. Pour into the crust and refrigerate for at least 5 hours until firm. Garnish with toasted coconut at serving time.
If you have a pie pan with a storage cover, this is the perfect place to use it.

Crust:

2 cups flaked coconut
1/4 cup butter

Melt the butter in a small sauce pan. Mix the coconut and melted butter in a small bowl, then press mixture on the bottom and sides of a 9-inch pie pan. Bake in a 300 degree oven for 20 to 25 minutes. Cool before adding the filling.

A Graham Cracker Crust is another possibility. A regular pre baked pie crust could be used if the pie is to be eaten the same day as the filling will tend to soften a regular pie crust.