Paris Can Have Her Beer and Make Bread Too

In the old days, prisoners were put on diets of bread and water, something that I think is too good for Miss Moneybags. Then I remembered a bread that is perfect for Paris Hilton. We used to fix it decades ago back in California because it is nearly foolproof, and heaven knows I needed foolproof recipes back then. With only four ingredients, no kneading, and no yeast to proof and rise, how much easier can a loaf of bread be?

The first time I had this bread, it was made by a Santa Barbara Junior League member who was as lacking in culinary skills as I was. She was creating a reputation as a great cook because she “bakes her own bread.”

Why, even Paris and her friends, who do not strike me as the kind to spend too much time in a kitchen baking goodies, could make this bread. Only in their case, the recipe should be altered to begin as, “Take a six pack of beer out of the refrigerator. Drink 5 of the beers while you hunt down the loaf pan and find the ingredients for the bread. Be sure and save ONE of the beers for the bread. If you forget and drink all six in the pack, you have to start over with a new six pack. By this time, you won’t want to try and turn on an oven anyway.”

No-Knead-To-Rise Beer Bread:

2 cups self-rising flour
3 tablespoons sugar
1 can beer (12-14 oz)
1 stick of butter, melted

Place the flour, sugar and beer in a mixing bowl and stir with a spoon for about 2 minutes. Pour into a greased loaf pan. Bake in a preheated 350 degree oven for 30 minutes. Remove loaf from the oven and pour the melted butter over the bread. Return the bread to the oven and bake for about 30 minutes longer. If the top is browning too fast, place an aluminum foil tent over the bread the final 15 minutes of baking.

This bread is best eaten warm with some cheese and a tall German Pilsner. You are SUPPOSED to save the remaining 5 beers in the six-pack to serve to your friends with the bread. Of course, if you are Paris, or Nicole Ritchie, or Lindsay Lohan, or even Mel Gibson, you will probably use the alternative recipe. The alternative recipe is called “No Need To Rise Off The Floor” as that is what happens if you follow it. Like the pun?